In honour of Canada's 150th, Netflix Canada to block anything that's not an 'Anne of Green Gables' adaptation

“I challenge ANY Canadian to be bored after breezing through a few of those puppies on a Saturday night.”

NATIONWIDE—In a bold move meant to honour the upcoming Canada 150 celebrations, Netflix Canada has announced its decision to stop streaming all content except for Anne of Green Gables and all of its iterations.

When asked if viewers might be upset not having access to their usual show catalogue, CEO Mark Walcott commented, "A lot of Canadians don't realize there are almost 38,000 film and television adaptations of Anne's story, so it's unlikely they will run out anytime soon."

Walcott also went on to explain there are countless radio shows, books and plays that have also paid homage to Anne, even bragging, "I challenge ANY Canadian to be bored after breezing through a few of those puppies on a Saturday night."

Although no one can contest the fact that Anne's story is a beloved part of Canadian culture, some viewers have taken issue with the show's more problematic storylines, to which Walcott responded, "How could anyone grow tired of the story of a plucky orphan whose adoptive parents dreamed of having a boy to use as an indentured servant and so continually threatened to return her to her orphanage?"

When asked if there may be other stories worth including to showcase Canadian history, Walcott was taken aback.

"We're hoping that this forced, summer-long Anne marathon will inspire a new generation of filmmakers and writers to create even more remakes! The more the Marilla-ier!"

The PEI tourism board has enthusiastically signed on to Netflix's initiative, offering discounted "near-drowning boat rides" and "currant wine mixers" all summer long, culminating in a "Paint The Town Redhead!" marathon screening at the local drive-in. The Netflix-sponsored marathon will run continuously from June 16, 2017 to June of 2020 in order to cover every last iteration of Anne's story.

Festival organizers have started encouraging patrons who plan on attending the entire marathon to "file your EI paperwork as soon as possible so you can properly enjoy the festivities without being overwhelmed by the financial burden of taking three years off of work to appreciate Anne."

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Cara Connors, a native Chicagoan turned Canadian, is a stand-up comedian, actor, improviser, and writer.