I am dating one of those inflatable blowy guys outside a car dealership and I have never been happier
Don't judge. He's the perfect man.
Six months ago today, fed up with trying to meet men on LinkedIn, I hurried into my nearest Toyota dealership one afternoon because a radio commercial had screamed at me over breakfast that I had to. Apparently "offer ends soon" or something. I don't know which offer. I have no idea why it has to end. So there I was, wandering aimlessly around the lot with absolutely zero intention of buying a car. I mean let's get real: I'm a freelance thought poet with a PhD in Emotional Archeology.
I was just about to leave when I suddenly saw him. Well, more accurately, my peripheral vision registered something bright red and agitated, flailing and flapping in the breeze. I walked outside and looked up. Damn, son. Like, holy shit.
Mmmm, he was tall — very tall. Mmm. He was strong enough to withstand being knocked around a bit by life, by those incessant winds of change. He looked deliriously happy. Approachable. He had 700 cars. The newest models, too. And he turned heads. Everyone noticed him. That was what did it for me — looking around and seeing how everyone completely gawked at him. They pointed. They gasped with delight.
"NUH-UH," I shouted at them as I sprinted across the lot. "Boy is MINE."
My heart was racing.
I asked him out.
That's not why my heart was racing: I had just run across an enormous and vast swath of hot concrete, like I said. Anyway, the great news is that he didn't say no!! It's possible he didn't hear me, as I was fully 40 feet underneath him when I asked. But I like to think he did.
We've been together ever since, and it is absolute heaven.
He is far and away the best boyfriend I've ever had, and not only because he is literally far and away (he lives off the side of the highway and it's a half-hour taxi ride when I want to see him). Whatever. We'll do long-distance for a while. Lots of people make it work. If you MUST know, these past couple weeks I've actually started to talk about getting a place together. So! Things are moving along real nice.
He is happy all the time. He's never in a bad mood. I know exactly how to turn him on. And best of all, I NEVER have to listen to him talk about any of the following topics: Wilco, Bitcoin, which Star Wars is better than which other, slightly different Star Wars, the sci-fi novel he's been "writing" for 14 years, the extremely timely revelation that Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind is actually about meth. I never have to listen to him "just play devil's advocate" during a discussion about any social or political issue, which is an elegant phrase that means "what if I was a gross creep for the next few minutes and we both just overlooked it?"
My sweet, blowy, inflatable boyfriend: I am truly your biggest fan. Well, okay, I'm your second-biggest fan, as I do recognize and accept that there is an enormous industrial fan underneath your person, and that's what keeps you afloat in this world.
That, and my love.