I am beginning to suspect that my husband is Sacha Baron Cohen
I am reaching middle age, and perhaps like many at this time in their lives, I have become reflective. I have begun to take a look back at my journey up to this point.
It feels like a time to consider everything, the good and the bad, even those things I've taken for granted.
Yes, even at my closest loved ones.
It is because of this time of re-evaluation — and possibly of re-invention — that I have begun to suspect that my husband is merely a character being played by Sacha Baron Cohen.
And that I, in turn, have been "played" by him.
Though the confluence of this period of contemplation and the launch of Baron Cohen's new Showtime series Who Is America? has led me the closest I have ever been to this assumption, I have always felt that something might be "up" in my relationship.
During our early courtship, my partner and I were nearly inseparable. We spent nearly every evening together, missing only one date on November 3rd, 2006, which I now have researched and found was the North American premier of Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.
I don't know why he didn't just ask me to go. I would have gone. I would have been happy to go, and would have been proud for his success!
At first it was merely those kinds of coincidences that made me wonder.
Eventually, however, he started asking me to deliver fairly long testimonials straight to camera, surrounding various subjects that I had no strong opinion on whatsoever.
Also, his name is kind of funny (though I'm not going to mention it here for privacy purposes).
Like, it's not a ridiculous name. But he wouldn't choose a patently ridiculous one, right? He'd choose one that's kind of just a bit "off," and this one is. He's subtle.
Well, you know, sometimes.
And then this week, things reached a head. He asked me to sign a form agreeing for any of our interactions to be presented on television.
"It's just a formality," he said. "Just in case there's anything cool or funny that could ever be used on a future project."
What kind of future project?! He's a chartered accountant!
How does one deal with such deception? How does one react to having been misled for so long?
You tell me.
Because, you see…
I have been… Sacha Baron Cohen writing this entire time.