Comedy·COOL IT

I am a father deciding whether it's time to 'turn the heat on for the winter'

This is not a decision to take lightly. Once I do this, there is no turning back until next summer.
(Shutterstock / Lopolo)

Look, I understand your request, my child.

You've asked me to turn the heat on in the house, because it has become chilly.

It is a simple request, on the surface.

You've asked the question casually, and flippantly, as if this is just something to do for fun and excitement, like one of your precious pop-rock concerts.

This is not, however, a decision to take lightly.

This is the first Heating of the year. Once I turn on that heat, there is no turning back.

Why do you, my own sweet precious child, insist on behaving as if this is something that can be changed back and forth?

Once it's changed, it's changed until April. So you may want to think long and hard about whether you want to be blasted by a fully stoked furnace if, on November 1st, it happens to be a balmy 36 degrees Celsius?

Because I'm pretty sure you'll be hoping you had waited until at least November 2nd to become this strident, this demanding, this "cold."

Yes, I realize that in a way, it is my own decision to never turn it back off once it is on. I realize it's because I put a padlock obtained from the Department of Defense on the thermostat, which is attached to a timer obtained from the Smithsonian, and cannot be removed until April 1st — when I need to turn my attention to more important things, like my annual April Fools "prank" (it's just telling you all we've won the lottery when we haven't. You barely even register a reaction anymore, but I will continue to do it forever).

But you know what?

I find myself pondering.

Perhaps this decision shouldn't be mine alone to make.

You're growing up.

Getting older.

You need to start making your own decisions. You need to start weighing in on the situations in the home.

I want you to stand up for yourself.

So do it, please, my child.

Be strong.

Stand up.

Walk over to the closet.

And grab a sweater. Because I'm not turning it on.

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About the Author

Jeremy has been a staff writer for This Hour Has 22 Minutes, performed stand-up comedy at the Just For Laughs and Winnipeg Comedy Festivals, and co-created/stars in the popular video series The Urbane Explorer/Finding Bessarion. A 3x Canadian Comedy Award–winner and published humour columnist, he also wrote your favourite joke, the one about the fish trying to get a job at a bank.