How to make the most out of your Tim Hortons uniform
So you're a Tim Hortons employee who was forced to pay for your own uniform. Canada has betrayed you, and for that I am sorry.
To help out, I've drummed up a list of cool and inventive ways for you to make the most bang out of your buck. Or should I say to double-double your money? (I won't say that.) (I'm sorry.) (Please forgive me.)
1. Change your name to "Tim Hortons" and use it as a monogrammed shirt
If you have a non-white name like myself, changing your name to Tim will relieve all kinds of stress; Uber drivers will no longer ask you where you're "really from," and ordering drinks at Starbucks will be much less embarrassing.
Plus, if you're a woman, you'll notice the men in your life will start to take you more seriously now that you're named like them!
If you're a white guy working at Tim Hortons, just think of the luxury you're going to experience; walking into work will feel like walking into a country club where everything is named after you. Move over Trump, there's a new king in town, and his name is Tim.
2. Wear it on a first date to make sure that the person will like you for you
Dating is hard. You never know what people's intentions are and this is the easiest way to find out if the person you're dating truly likes you. From the get-go, let them know where you work and if they still want to see you, then you know they're a keeper.
3. Portray a Tim Horton's employee in the background of a TV show or movie
More and more TV shows and movies are being shot in Canada like Suits, The Handmaid's Tale and most recently The Shape of Water.
The fame and success that come with being a lead actor or actress can be daunting, but there are endless opportunities to the shows you can be on as an extra using the uniform you own and hate. Just think of the lines:
"Why yes Princess Meghan, here are your ten Timbits!"
"Hello Miss Moss, here's your turkey club. Blink twice if you want to leave Scientology and run away with me."