Comedy

How to compassionately break up with someone by text

It’s completely possible to both be a compassionate person and also get rid of that loser you’ve been dating, all without even having to put on pants.

It's completely possible to both be a compassionate person and also get rid of that loser you've been dating, all without even having to put on pants.

Here are five steps that are guaranteed to keep your conscience as breezy as the red flags you blew past in your relationship.

1. Keep it short

While it may seem counterintuitive to send a shorter message, it's actually the kinder thing to do. Your soon-to-be-ex doesn't need to read a play-by-play of your entire relationship only to have it culminate with you ripping their heart out of their chest. They are busy and want you to respect their time – just get to the point.

Cut out any unnecessary words like "I'm sorry".

2. The compliment sandwich

The compliment sandwich is always a good way to soften bad news. Accomplish this by couching a well-intentioned constructive criticism in between two compliments, giving your partner the chance to reflect on why things have come to an end, and the opportunity to learn from this breakup.

Take a note from this recent one I received: "You are one of the most kind-hearted people I've ever met. I'm leaving you for a nineteen-year-old Youtuber. You look great for your age."

3. Timing

Pick an appropriate time to send your message. Though it might be tempting to send it in the middle of the night, I would strongly advise against doing this. Imagine if your breakup text were to wake them up – how inconsiderate! Try to pick a time when they are unlikely to be occupied, say 11 AM on a Sunday, unless they've repeatedly told you that they'll be giving a eulogy at their nana's funeral, which you would have known, JARED, if you would just LISTEN FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.

4. Use emojis

Sometimes it's difficult to articulate the correct tone of your message by text alone. In these instances, why not try sending an emoji? This can help to add levity and humour in your message. Something like, "I'm sorry we couldn't work things out [☹]. I hope we can stay friends! [pals with bunny ears]". One I've had success with in the past is "SCREW YOU JARED, I HOPE YOUR NEW 19-YO-GF GIVES YOU THE [clapping hands] YOU [happy piggy][eggplant]-ER YOU ARE A FLAMING PILE OF [smiling poop]". Play around and find something that suits your situation!

5. Offer an in-person follow-up

Some people need the closure. This way, you can be clear that you are not avoiding seeing them, but you didn't want to lure them to the breakup under the pretence of another date. You've saved them so much embarrassment, you magnanimous hero! And don't worry, the chances of your now-ex taking you up on that offer is next-to-none. Who in their right mind would schedule time to get dumped a second time??

Tips and Warnings

The person might call you after you send the text. Do not answer this call! Promptly throw your phone into a lake and claim poor reception. They will never suspect a thing.

Do not text the wrong person.

Finally, this article does not apply to you if the person you are breaking up with SHARES YOUR ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT, JARED. OBVIOUSLY. I'VE CHANGED THE LOCKS AND LEFT YOUR STUPID BLU-RAY COLLECTION OF THE OC OUT WHERE THE FERAL CATS LIKE TO PEE.

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About the Author

Cassie Cao is a writer and standup comedian based in Toronto. She is the creator and writer of the original webseries “Breakup Theft”, which can be found on youtube. One time, Cassie ate an entire lemon meringue pie by herself on a public bus and still lives to tell the story at parties.