Comedy·TIME TO GET MOVIN'

How I will complete the final 387 of 400 items on my summer to-do list in the next two weeks

Just gotta take it slow and steady. Well, maybe a little quick and steady.
(Shutterstock / LightField Studio)

It's been a pretty peaceful summer for me. I've done a lot of relaxing. Plenty of time on my hands.

And that's okay. What's a better season for taking it easy than summer?

But I didn't start this summer so peacefully. I had ambitions. I had a carefully arranged 400-item summer to-do list, of which I have completed all but 387 items.

To put it another, more negative way, I have only managed 13 of them.

But with a little bit of focus, I believe I can still fulfil each and every one of those ambitions by the end of August, as long as I don't sleep and certainly don't stop to eat.

That is except, of course, for my eating-related goals on my summer to-do list. I've always wanted to start eating more seasonally, and decided I'd enjoy some wonderful Ontario peaches (item #29) and corn (#30) this summer. In fact I said I would have 2 peaches a day all summer, just to enjoy them while they're at their peak.

I'm not great at math, but I ate 15 peaches yesterday just to start, to make sure that still averaged out the way I planned it. My mouth is extremely sore but I feel accomplished.

Let's hope the 10 cobs of corn I plan to eat today go just as smoothly.

I planned to do a bit of travel this summer, as well. I think I can get to France (#57), I'm pretty sure I can get a day off for that (oh, did I not mention I work through the summer?). And then when I'm there, visiting the Eiffel Tower (#121) seems like a piece of Parisian cake; it would almost be hard not to do.

And it's good that I'll manage each of those, because I'll need to have accomplished both of them before managing the next feat, purchasing the Eiffel Tower (#361).

That one does seem harder. It does seem tricky.

Honestly I might cheat a bit here, like I could buy it on my credit card, and then return it when the summer is done. My to-do list doesn't say anything about any of my to-do's being permanent. I didn't do that on purpose, but could be handy in this particular instance.

I won't lose heart, but it's absolutely go-time. To be completely frank with you, even the 13 I've gotten done were pretty simple. One was "get all my Tupperware into one drawer (#17) and another was actually just "get movin' on things" (#3) [?].

I don't even know if I technically really accomplished that one, but I checked it off just to get some momentum, which retroactively made me feel like I had gotten movin' on things, so where's the lie?

Anyway, I'd really better get moving so I can get #14 done (watch the Blue Jays hit a grand slam. Not even in my control really; what was I thinking?).

See you in the fall.

I literally cannot see you until fall. No time. Sorry. Use these precious moments to make a dent in your own summer to-do list.

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About the Author

Jeremy has been a staff writer for This Hour Has 22 Minutes, performed stand-up comedy at the Just For Laughs and Winnipeg Comedy Festivals, and co-created/stars in the popular video series The Urbane Explorer/Finding Bessarion. A 3x Canadian Comedy Award–winner and published humour columnist, he also wrote your favourite joke, the one about the fish trying to get a job at a bank.