HOT NEW CARDIO WORKOUT: Abstaining from arguing with a stranger on social media
Personal trainer Solaria Gasp had been living a nice, quiet life working at a local gym and sleeping in a bathtub full of kale smoothie each night. The last thing she ever expected was to become the mastermind behind the world's newest and most effective cardio workout to date.
Gasp explains that it all began when she logged onto Facebook one afternoon. Immediately, she was hit with high school acquaintance Kharl's all-caps freak-out about how climate change is a hoax.
"I took a step back and observed what was happening in my body," she shares. "Blood was raging through my veins. My breath sped up to a nearly unsustainable pace. I was sweating, shaking. And then the minute I stood up and stepped away from my computer, my body was suddenly at rest."
Gasp explains that by repeating this cycle every hour, all day, you are creating a very challenging high-intensity interval workout for your cardiovascular system. Since her discovery, research has confirmed that the workout is equivalent to doing 908 jumping jacks in a snowsuit inside a sauna in July. Scientists have concluded that nothing known to humankind gets the blood pumping harder and faster than a frat boy you vaguely remember from undergrad tweeting that all lives matter, and somehow managing to spell "matter" incorrectly.
"The fantastic thing about this workout is you don't need any fancy equipment," Gasp explains. "Just your Uncle Dan's status update about how women are naturally less funny than men."
To try out Gasp's revolutionary cardio regimen, follow these simple steps:
1. Locate idiotic statement uttered by a stranger or tenuous acquaintance on Twitter or Facebook
This shouldn't take long. If you've been scrolling for more than a minute and have yet to encounter breathtaking ignorance, it's possible your social circle is infested with far too many of those awful social justice warriors who care about things. UGH. Try to do something about that, maybe. In the meantime, go to Reddit.
2. Stare hard into depths of statement for 15 seconds. Hold.
You will feel your blood start pumping quickly and efficiently. Resist the urge to punch your screen, hit the Reply button, or start searching for a reaction GIF of SpongeBob SquarePants vomiting into a bucket.
3. When your blood reaches the point where it's pummelling your chest into a black pit of despair, slowly step away from computer
Resist the overpowering urge to engage with the statement. This will feel nearly impossible at first, but the purpose of these intervals is to gradually build up endurance.
4. Rest for 55 minutes
Relax and unclench with some soothing music or by watching a video of a small goat attempting to climb out of a bathtub for one hour. How did the little guy get in there??! Hilarious.
5. Repeat one hour later
Listen to your body. You will feel when it's time. When you have finally calmed down and approached a truly relaxed state, sorry, but that's when you need to get up and violently undo it.
6. For maximum benefits, perform circuit at regular intervals throughout the day