Comedy·PROTECTIVE

Helicopter parent worried child playing too close to other helicopter parent

"Why is Daniel standing so close to him? What if Daniel tripped on the bucket, fell and squashed Aiden?"

OAKVILLE, ON—In a quiet public park, anxiously observing her husband Daniel assisting their three year-old son Aiden in building a sand castle in a sandbox, Priya Khan wondered if her spouse was at risk of causing irreparable harm to their child.

"Why is Daniel standing so close to him? What if Daniel tripped on the bucket, fell and squashed Aiden? Aiden could slice his head with the tiny plastic shovel! A shovel is basically a hatchet. I have to file down the edges on that thing when we get home, but not before I Purell Aiden's entire body. I better go over there and wedge myself between him and Daniel so Aiden doesn't get cut. I think Aiden is allergic to Band-Aids," Priya said aloud, though there is no evidence to support a suspected Band-Aid allergy.

Priya, like her husband, is a helicopter parent, hovering around her child and stifling his development by injecting herself into every physical and intellectual experience he has.

Next time let's just build sand castles at home, but without sand.- Daniel, helicopter parent

Panic struck Priya when Daniel took Aiden's hand and used the 75-cent shovel to deposit several consecutive scoops of sand into the bucket as the child stared dead-eyed into the distance.

"He's gripping Aiden's hand too hard. I should probably guide Aiden's hand with every scoop of the tiny, four-inch shovel myself so that he learns to scoop properly without getting hurt," Priya shuddered, unaware that the real crime here was robbing their progeny of the opportunity to develop his own motor skills and any sense of autonomy. "What if he gets juvenile carpal tunnel?"

Daniel was too consumed with fear to notice his wife's tortured expression. "Don't rub your eyes, Aiden," he said in a shrill tone unfit for communicating with a toddler. "You could get sand in your eyes and go blind. Remember that online article we read about the woman in Luxembourg who got sand in her eye and her eye fell out?"

"You know what? Let's just pack up and head home where it's safe," Daniel, terrified, told his son. "Next time let's just build sand castles at home, but without sand. We'll build air castles. Sand contains all sorts of contaminants like Ebola and meth residue," he explained.

After wrapping Aiden in a sun-proof tarp and carrying him home even though he can walk just fine, sources indicated Priya and Daniel plan to continue helicopter-parenting Aiden until he blossoms into an adult who can't do anything for himself and cries when things are hard.

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