Comedy·FOOD

Health Canada closes poutine shop due to utterly shameful gravy and cheese to fries ratio

Health Canada shut down a Ottawa poutine restaurant Monday for “mental health” reasons after the shop topped fries with unacceptably small servings of cheese and gravy.

OTTAWA, ON—Health Canada shut down a marginally popular Ottawa poutine restaurant Monday for unprecedented "mental health" reasons after the shop was accused of topping their fries with unacceptably small servings of cheese and gravy.

"This is the worst infraction I've seen in my career," said Gepetto Fernandez, lead health investigator for the case. "I closed a bistro last week when I saw the food prep counter being wiped down with a raw chicken thigh. But that was in the back. This poorly rationed excuse for poutine is right in the customer's face, a cardboard box of intense disappointment being sold to them, laughing at them, mocking them, like — "

Fernandez, overcome with emotion, cut himself off by biting his index finger, with appeared to be smothered in cheese and gravy.

After a breath, he continued. "The kitchen and dining area were spotless, but our concern became the danger of customers being traumatized by this culinary betrayal."

Health Canada says it had received more than 30 complaints about Vladimir's Poutine from customers claiming the fries at the bottom of their takeout boxes were not covered in cheese or gravy, thus not qualifying as poutine but merely fries.

"There's no magic formula for poutine," said local line cook Manny Mancuso, whose onion gravy placed third at last year's poorly attended Sauce Festival. "It's mostly about just knowing, like how in Star Wars, Leia knew Luke was her brother. Except for when she kissed him that time."

Mancuso continued a long analogy likening poutine to being a Jedi, but it was unclear how the two were in any way related. After forty minutes, this reporter faked a phone call from the hospital and fled his basement apartment.

While there may be no official formula, Health Canada's website says for a foodstuff to legally qualify as poutine at least 50 per cent of each fry should be covered in gravy and a minimum ratio of at least one cheese curd per three fries must be maintained.

"Selling a box of poutine that's half just fries is misleading advertising. These French fry separatists are tearing our national dish apart," said Jacques Beliveau, who admitted he has never visited Vladimir's Poutine while sober. "The frites cannot sustain themselves on their own."

If you're going to cut back on anything, for the love of god, cut back on the fries.- Gepetto Fernandez, lead health investigator

Owner Vladimir McGee returned to his closed shop yesterday to deal with his leftover stock.

"These teenagers are sad my poutine doesn't look good in their Instagram Twitters?" he laughed while creating a Kijiji ad for 200 bags of frozen off-brand crinkle cut fries. "Get a life."

"Besides, cheese and gravy is expensive," McGee said, dumping a box of grey powder granules labelled "Grey-V™" down a drain in the middle of the kitchen floor.

Health Canada advises poutine shop owners err on the side of caution.

"If you're going to cut back on anything, for the love of god, cut back on the fries," Fernandez said. "They're only there to make eating a bowl of straight-up cheese and gravy appear socially acceptable."

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