Comedy·AWKWARD

Gift ideas if the person's birthday falls brutally soon after you started dating

You go for dinner, catch a rad flick, and later when you’re at home adding her on Facebook, a piece of information flies out of the computer and punches you in the neck: her birthday is this weekend.
(Shutterstock / WAYHOME studio)

So, you've met someone delightful on Plenty of Fishmongers, the app for people who exclusively wish to date those employed in the seafood industry, be it full- or part-time. It's probably because they smell the best. But I digress so hard!

You go for dinner, catch a rad flick, and later when you're at home adding her on Facebook, a piece of information flies out of the computer and punches you in the neck: her birthday is this weekend.

Here are the only five things you can possibly get her:

A petition, signed by thousands of your peers, to have the person's birthday legally moved to a different month

No, there's no real precedent for doing this, legal or otherwise. Plus, some would argue that one's date of birth is not so much a legal issue as a biological one. But if you go into it with that defeatist attitude, you've already lost. Keep your eye on the ball here: who has a birthday three days after a first date?? You have to take radical action.

A nice oil painting of the sentence, "Well, This Is Awkward."

Keep it chill: don't get one of those enormous, fussy Renaissance-style ones. Don't get a frame, or if you do, go for wood rather than ornate brass. Also, use a chill-ass font: Comic Sans, nothing cursive. What we want here is a modest, window-sized painting, unframed, sans serif, just kinda casually calling attention to the situaysh. Great!

A homemade scrapbook of the 2.4 days you've known each other

Sit her down and present her with the scrapbook. Then, pour her one-tenth of a glass of wine, and put on the last 12 seconds of a Marvin Gaye's Sexual Healing because this is not going to take long. The scrapbook may only contain 1.3 pages, and it may only contain two ferry tickets to Toronto Island and a screenshot of your goodnight text, but that's not your fault: that's all that's happened so far.

An engagement ring

While hugely controversial, this approach is available to you: just lean hard in the other direction and present her with a ring, the floorplan of a house you just bought for your new life together, a list of possible wedding dates, and a rough timeline for when you'd like to have childge. Because she's known you for just 82 hours, she'll be expecting you to play her birthday super-casual. Why not surprise her?

Forensic evidence of the date you went on, which was clearly always intended as a birthday celebration

You're going to need receipts from the restaurant, surveillance footage from her condo's parking garage where you dropped her off, movie tickets with the date circled, and an FBI agent who will dust those movie tickets for fingerprints right in front of her. Put some ribbons around the FBI agent's torso — it is her birthday after all! Once all the evidence is carefully laid out, present your opening argument, which is that you knew her birthday was coming up of course, and look at all the celebrating you've already done!

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About the Author

Sophie Kohn

Writer/Producer

Sophie Kohn is writer and producer with CBC Comedy, a stand-up comedian in Toronto, and a graduate of Second City's Conservatory program.

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