Funny Stuff

Woman plans one last vacation with her good years

She knows this cruise will be the last chance for her good years to go wild before they’re brutally euthanized by society’s beauty standards for women.

HAMILTON, BERMUDA—Annie Whitaker, a junior law partner in Toronto, has booked an all-inclusive cruise to Bermuda this week to give her youth a proper send-off as it enters its twilight months. She knows this cruise will be the last chance for her good years to go wild before they're brutally euthanized by society's beauty standards for women.

Whitaker first got the idea for the trip from her neighbour Doug, who took his elderly dog Betsy for walk around the neighbourhood so she could enjoy some farewell butt-sniffs of all her friends and lovers. He wanted Betsy to have the perfect last day before taking her to the vet for her canine rhinoplasty.

Whitaker says she'd began to realize that her good years were coming to an end when an intern told her she looked good "for an older lady," and later found three grey chin hairs. She says she now understands why so many interns are unpaid.

Whitaker had initially booked the cruise for 2017, but after she saw an actress her age play a grandmother in a Lifetime movie, she realized she had to leave immediately.

Whitaker chose Bermuda for several reasons. "I'd found myself growing more and more attracted to the comfort and practicality of Bermuda shorts as I got older," she said. "And since the cruise leaves from New York, I can make my pilgrimage through all 78 on-set locations of The Good Wife."

The main factor in her decision, however, was the chance to use as many Bermuda Triangle pick-up lines as possible while she's there. So far, Whitaker's cruise itinerary includes all of her good years' favourite things, including skinny-dipping, bottomless margaritas, and laughing while holding plates of salad. She knew her good years would feel most comfortable on a cruise, where her nausea could be blamed on seasickness and the buffet table, and not on the art of alcohol-soaked nights she perfected in her twenties.

Once her good years are humanely put down, Whitaker vows to bypass her lie-about-your-age years and skip straight to her cougar years. While some have called this move brave, Whitaker says she supports every woman's unique way of expressing their age, so long as it's in terms of their attractiveness to men. She hopes to define her age by how bang-able she is for many years to come.

UPDATE: Six days after their return from Bermuda, Whitaker's good years were pronounced dead at 10:36 a.m. during a meeting where she was called "ma'am" seventeen times. Whitaker's good years are survived by their five tattoos, two intimate piercings, and a chipped tooth from a bar fight.

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