White supremacist with IQ of 92 believes himself to be genetically superior
TOLDEO, OH– According to reports, white supremacist Bill Kelso believes himself to be genetically superior despite clear evidence to the contrary. While witnesses say the gun-enthusiast often denigrates non-white people as inferior to him by virtue of their skin colour, the unemployed 38-year-old's self-image is largely undermined by his poor intelligence and reasoning skills, traits which he displays openly in his many social media posts.
"I'm tired of being called a racist when I'm just pointing out a scientific fact," wrote Kelso on Facebook this morning in a feeble attempt to rationalize his idiotic worldview. "European-Americans are just better. Like, as in biologically and whatnot."
- Alt-motorcade enters post-presidential situation
- Strong opinions on both sides as alt-plantation workers enter post-freedom situation
- Alt-voyage enters post-safety situation
Kelso, who spends three hours every day calling strangers "cucks" online, is believed to have formed his racist ideology under the mistaken belief that his lack of success is the by-product of affirmative action policies and not his 92 IQ.
"Want proof of my genetic greatness? Just look at my white skin," declared Kelso in a YouTube video, apparently unaware that his lack of pigmentation makes him more susceptible to skin cancer. "It must make the SJWs down at Wal-Mart jealous, because apparently I'm too white for them to hire me."
When reached for comment, area Wal-Mart manager Carla Overton outright rejected Kelso's theory for his declined job application.
"Wal-Mart is an equal opportunity employer," explained Overton in a written statement. "But not for people with visible tattoos of Nazi iconography."
Reports suggest Kelso's delusions of grandeur extend to his romantic pursuits, even though he has not been on a date since his ex-wife divorced him in 2007. Much like his unemployment, the Duck Dynasty fan seems to think this is the result of a vast liberal plot.
"The only reason no woman will go out with me is because of the feminist conspiracy against white alpha males," wrote the self-described "Alt-Right Warrior" on his blog last week. "And that includes more than just the chicks. The judge who gave my ex-wife her restraining order against me was a dude."
"But he was probably Jewish," Kelso added, as though it was somehow relevant.
Despite many attempts to teach him the culturally determined and arbitrary nature of racial difference, witnesses say recent events have only emboldened Kelso's beliefs.
"Donald Trump's election is proof that I've been right all along," wrote the delusional moron in a series of late-night tweets. "He's going to destroy all the PC BS that's holding me down, including, but not limited to: Starbucks Cups, illegal immigrants, Ellen DeGeneres, and the jerks who dishonourably discharged me from the so-called Ohio National Guard."
"Your all on notice," he concluded with typical grammatical incorrectness.
I see... Strange People:
Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.