Trump-fearing Americans serious about moving to Canada but not Sarnia serious
SARNIA, ON—Head of Tourism Sarnia Claire Reynolds was dismayed to learn Monday morning that that the so-called 'Trump bump', a surge of Americans fearful of a Trump presidency that's led to massive spikes in interest in tourism in places like Cape Breton, has made literally no impact on the city of Sarnia.
"Americans are serious about moving to Canada," Reynolds said. "Just not Sarnia serious."
According to sources within Tourism Sarnia, American liberals don't seem to be enticed by the city's ubiquity of chip trucks, junior hockey teams, competitively-priced sex work, and robust petrochemical industry.
Even a Tourism Sarnia brochure aimed at Anti-Trump Americans highlighting the city's "best features", including that townhouse development "that's pretty great for dirt biking" and the Taco Bell featured in Michael Moore's Bowling for Columbine, had no discernible effect.
"I just don't get it," said Reynolds, shaking her head. "In what other Canadian city can you walk into a bar at 2:00 PM and be guaranteed, and I mean guaranteed, to see two dudes just beating the shit out of each other?"
Anti-Trump Americans interviewed in neighbouring Port Huron, Michigan seemed unanimous in their opposition to a potential Sarnia move.
"I mean, the thought of a Trump presidency is just horrifying," said long haul truck driver and lifelong Democrat Sunil Patel. "But not Sarnia horrifying."
Gennelle Robertson, a nurse and fellow Port Huron resident, agreed.
"A Trump win would be a coup for racists, misogynists, and homophobes," Robertson said. "It wouldn't just be 'bad for America'; it would send America back to the dark ages."
"But it'd still be a million times better than Sarnia."