Funny Stuff

Syrian orphan sorry to hear North American childhoods ruined by enjoyable film about ghosts

Zadan al-Khoury, an 8-year-old Syrian orphan whose parents were instantly killed in a rocket attack this past spring, says he’s deeply sorry to hear that so many North American childhoods have been completely ruined by the recent remake of the classic and beloved film Ghostbusters.

KILIS, TURKEY—Zadan al-Khoury, an 8-year-old Syrian orphan whose parents were instantly killed in a rocket attack this past spring and who now lives in a dingy Turkish orphanage that's been blown up and rebuilt three times, says he's deeply sorry to hear that so many North American childhoods have been completely ruined by the recent remake of the classic and beloved film Ghostbusters.

"It must be very hard," says al-Khoury, who hasn't seen his younger brother in months and says every new morning brings an increasing sense of certainty that he's dead. "I think of all those 38-year-old men named Sean who enjoyed comfortable, middle-class upbringings with sleepover camp, fancy videogames, and pants that fit, and then BOOM – out of nowhere, a lighthearted piece of entirely optional mainstream entertainment comes along and somehow rips it all away."

al-Khoury, who had been amusing himself with a flattened Pepsi can yesterday for a luxurious 15 minutes before a bomb exploded off the back of a nearby pickup truck and forced him to sprint away barefoot despite not having eaten all day, says he's heard that the specific reason millions of North American childhoods are being so mercilessly destroyed has to do with four women portraying the Ghostbusters instead of four men.

"Gender equality can be so traumatic, I assume," al-Khoury says. "I haven't really had the chance to witness a ton of it, to be honest."

al-Khoury, who at the age of 8 struggles with violent flashbacks, post-traumatic stress disorder, debilitating anxiety and constant insomnia, says he will pray for the North American man-children who are suffering so deeply today in air conditioned theatres everywhere.

"I know what it's like to live with a constant looming threat," he whispers tearfully. "Whether it's terrorism or a talented group of highly capable actresses, these things force you to grow up way too fast."