Scientists discover white men with dreadlocks come from alternate dimension where that also not okay
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Science has opened the door to a new frontier of exploration for the human race. It seems more likely than ever that we will soon be able to communicate with intelligent life from other planets and possibly even other dimensions. The catch? You may have already been ignoring them in the streets.
Scientists have always known where white guys come from and where dreadlocks come from, but they've been puzzled by the existence of white guys with dreadlocks. However, new evidence suggests that the white guys in question are from an alternate reality where that's also not cool.
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"Think of it like this," mumbled Dr. Dwight Fienberg, lead scientist in NASA's Interdimensional & Cultural Appropriation Research Initiative. "There are infinite iterations of the universe in which we exist, some of which have already achieved interdimensional travel. In the same way we use the ocean to store our garbage, these dimensions have begun to utilize our dimension as a gigantic pile of compost for organisms they don't care for."
In their short time here, white guys with dreadlocks do not seem to be fairing much better. Be it their constant peddling of healing stones to their insistence on turning domestic animals vegan, it is clear that white guys with dreadlocks have a remarkable inability to appear likable. Able to subsist on just kale chips, quinoa, and dirt, they also seem impossible to get rid of.
The outbreak of white guys with dreadlocks can be tracked to what can only be described as the event horizon of the gateway being used as the biggest trash receptacle of space and time: Burning Man.
Dr. Fienberg observed the bustling hive of these creatures. Although they were initially hostile, sporting weapons made of scent-free deodorant and hemp, they became docile once they realized someone actually wanted to talk to them.
On Dr. Fienberg's first venture, a giant fake elk horn sounded and the leader, Devon Peacelove, rose from the laundry-pile of tangled hair and took a deep breath before addressing him. He then exhaled. Inhaled again. Exhaled. He continued taking deep regulated breaths for the following 45 minutes and then spent another 20 minutes explaining to Dr. Fienberg that if he did the same, he'd probably feel happier.
"It makes you feel more centered," he sputtered over the constant clownish noise of aggressive ska music.
The rest of the herd nodded in agreement, similar to how humans do. When asked about whether or not they think that styling their hair in such a way is cultural theft, Peacelove only had one thing to say: "We don't look at it as taking from others, we look at it as giving of ourselves too much."
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