REPORT: Like most handsome guys, Trudeau turning out to be a bit of a lying dick
OTTAWA, ON—We've all been there, sitting at a bar or maybe preparing for a federal election when a handsome fellow seems to fall right out of the sky. Of course we are skeptical at first, as anyone that attractive has to be up to something. He tells us he's different though, he feels a connection with us, he knows what we want – then, maybe a call the next day or a reform of our First-Past-the-Post electoral system. So we consider it.
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We think about the last guy, Stephen. God, he was the worst. He looked like if a bag of milk wished to be a real boy. There is no way we're going back to Stephen. We've been seeing that guy Tom around, he's chubby and has a beard which is pretty in right now, but there's just no spark there. And so, maybe we should give this Justin guy a shot.
We have the handsome guy and all our friends and foreign nations are talking about it.
At first it seems great. We have the handsome guy and all our friends and foreign nations are talking about it. The homely little person or country they all used to make fun of is now the belle of the ball, or United Nations summit. It feels good to step out of the shadows for once.
But then we get to know the real Justin. Maybe we got excited when he said he was a feminist – until he started mansplaining women's issues to us at a party. Maybe his tattoo of Indigenous artwork made him seem like a bad boy who will treat those communities better, but then he started bulldozing Aboriginal rights.
Ugh. Here we are, sitting alone and broken-hearted at the bar. We wonder how we let this happen again. Maybe we get a little drunk and think about Jack. He really seemed like he was going to be the one. Then we get a little drunker and yell at God for taking him from us. Then we get really drunk and apologize to God and say we didn't mean it. We are Canadian, after all.
Just like every other time, we wake up with a headache and remember what we always seem to forget about these guys; they make a lot of promises, but in the end they only care about getting in and laying some pipeline.
Is it time to give Justin the respect he deserves?
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