OBITUARY: 28-year-old hipster tragically dies, survived by his Tinder matches
DANIELS, FREDDIE MAVERICK – It is with heavy hearts that we text you about the passing of Freddie Maverick Daniels on August 8, 2016 at the age of 28. He will be sort of vaguely missed by hundreds of women on Tinder named Kylie who possessed his first name, age, location, Facebook interests, and the same six of his photos – three of his face, two of his refurbished banjo, and one of his roommate's cat, Socrates.
Freddie was a musician, poet, mixologist, and self-identified anarchist who loved expensive but not too expensive whiskey, the art he created, ignoring women who liked him, and Bernie Sanders.
He leaves behind such matches as Monica, 24, two miles away; Dani, 23, five miles away; and Tyra, 22, 0.5 miles away, with whom he had the closest relationship based on geographical proximity.
- Mourner thinks dead woman would be prettier if she smiled
- TED Talk inspires man to get his shit together after four more episodes of 'Scrubs'
Tyra describes Freddie as "a cute guy who always picked the best Instagram filters for the situation." She recalls, "he made a funny joke in his profile about his beard, quoted Hemingway, and proclaimed himself a feminist who's looking for someone to illegally download Game of Thrones with. They had four mutual friends. Tyra says she wrote "I like your cat :)" on August 9, but received no response due to Freddie no longer being alive.
Monica, who regrettably never sent a message to the deceased, now wishes that she had before it was too late. "He could have been the one, you know?" she whispered, between zero tears. "But also, I didn't know him at all and I get like, 15 matches a day?"
Dani had matched with Freddie twice since downloading the dating app, which often malfunctions and displays the profiles of people you've already matched with. She took it as a sign that they should get a beer together. However, she then went to Europe for a bit, returning to a message from Freddie's acquaintance that read "Hey there. Freddie is dead. FYI"
The funeral service will be held in a park in the late afternoon on a weekday and continue until 4 am the next day. Guests are encouraged to bring tall boys, djembe drums, and a strong dislike of the status quo. Ex-girlfriends are not welcome unless they've gotten a lot more chill lately and have learned to relax about the past.
In lieu of flowers, Freddie's Tinder matches ask that you make a donation to the Apple Store and spend way more than you anticipated. Tyra adds that Freddie also supported a handful of political causes he had a slight grasp of, so feel free to donate there too if you have any sense what those might be.
Please go to https://berniesanders.com for more information.