Funny Stuff

Neopagan horoscopes for the modern womyn

In recent weeks, your male colleagues at the office have left you feeling uninspired and demoralized at work. However, as the sun moves towards your birth sign on Thursday, you’ll see Gaia smiling upon you.

February overview: It's your month, Aquarius!

Career I:

In recent weeks, your male colleagues at the office have left you feeling uninspired and demoralized at work. However, as the sun moves towards your birth sign on Thursday, you'll see Gaia smiling upon you. At the annual company barbecue that night, Bryan from Sales will start to make another crude and sexist joke until he suddenly finds himself under the grip of Gaia's spell. His manhood will fall from his body and transform into a beautiful, hand-carved wooden flute which he will then play for you in his new form as a gentle centaur.

Family:

As the moon's beams begin to radiate with increasing intensity, you'll find your relationship with your daughter refreshed and revitalized. As the sun dips on Monday, she will come to you with arms open, renouncing her patriarchal name (Stacy), and replacing it with a lovely new one: StarPigeon. As the love of the Great Goddess fills StarPigeon, she will know that she is strong, and that she doesn't need her sketchy 32-year-old boyfriend Bill, the six-pack of Bacardi Breezers in her closet, or the quarter ounce of marijuana you found in her knapsack.

Health:

Changes in the lunar cycle will cause fluctuations in your mood and health; however, as your wise shaman Dr. Herman will tell you, it's perfectly normal so there's no need to spend hours on WebMD thinking you have cancer. Should you feel hungry for spiritual nourishment or physical release, a vision quest might do you well, but if your schedule won't permit a hallucinogenic weeklong trip in the forest, try "Yoga Booty Boot Camp."

Romance:

We see manifestations of Gaia everywhere: a child's smile, a bird's song, a flower's perfume, and, for you this month, a decent guy you actually met on Tinder. In this relationship, you must trust in Gaia's wisdom and surrender to her path, so don't be distracted by superficialities like his Swamp Thing memorabilia, fear of hamsters, or inability to make eye contact.

Career II:

Discord has ruled your coven (Berkis Sandberg LLP) lately, but when Hecate sheds her seventh skin, the coven will once more return to harmony as Rebekah agrees the firm should stop accepting new clients. Everyone will celebrate under the intoxicating luminescence of the moon, gorging on sweet nectar and surrendering their bodies to rhythm and dance. After hours in the throes of sisterly ecstasy, Gail's husband Roger will drive everyone home. He's got a minivan so there's lots of room.

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