Man looks to cigar collection to mask total lack of personality
TORONTO, ON—After years of never being able to contribute to any conversation, Stan Roberts, 28, has turned to smoking cigars to mask his complete and total lack of personality.
Over the last several months, Roberts has been seen smoking his Cubans and standing on the periphery of his coworkers' conversations, butting in at random moments to inform them of his cigar-based lifestyle.
"I know they were talking about their children," Roberts says, trying his hardest to make a smoke ring. "But I thought they should know how expensive these babies are!"
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Many of Roberts' longtime friends claim that until he found cigars, Roberts was "pretty boring", and "just kinda useless." Since taking up cigar smoking however, the same friends now describe him as "rugged", "just so manly", and "the worldliest person I've ever known."
For years, Roberts used to talk at length about the weather, gasoline prices, and how fast he can solve a Rubik's cube, but without a cigar in his hand, people would simply smile and nod while desperately searching for an exit strategy.
In days gone by, coworkers had to actively pretend Roberts didn't exist. Today, they will hang on his every word for up to three hours so long as he is smoking a cool cigar. Though he does have a serious case of bleeding gums, Roberts claims he's never felt better.
"Maybe it's the fact that you don't inhale with cigars, but people seem much more interested in my fantasy football league if I have one of these bad boys in hand," Roberts explains, trying his hardest to wink.
Now that he identifies as a cigar aficionado, Roberts has received a raise at work, become the life of every party, and has met the love of his life – all this while developing only a few mouth cancers. While doctors have repeatedly recommended other ways for Roberts to be more sociable, he says he has trouble listening to them due to the fact that the doctors in question are not perpetually engulfed in a "cloud of cool."
"Of course we worry for Stan's health," says physician Dr. Karen Fitzpatrick. "I gave him the facts. I showed him graphic pictures of the effects of smoking. But after he left and I saw him light a cigar outside and exhale pure sophistication, I couldn't help but feel like he might be onto something."
We reached Roberts for a closing statement – however, it has been redacted from publication due to the fact that he was not holding a cigar at the time of the final interview.