Funny Stuff

Local adulterer thinks polyamory is stupid

Chad Stewart, a 36-year-old married man, is a firm believer in monogamy. He’s also a firm believer in having two phones.

TORONTO, ON—Chad Stewart, a 36-year-old married man, is a firm believer in monogamy. He's also a firm believer in having two phones.

"I don't get why any normal person would want to be in an open relationship. It's so dumb," Stewart declares as he replies to a message on Tinder from a woman named Becky. "People who are into that stuff are perverts. If you're truly in love, you shouldn't need anyone else. I only want to be with one woman. Plus twelve other women who don't know about each other."

Stewart has been happily married to his 32-year-old wife Erica for four years and has been happily having sex with his co-worker Chantel for two weeks. He swears that he has always been faithful to his wife (on Mondays) and claims he doesn't even notice how hot her friends are (while he's asleep).

"Look. I take my marriage vows seriously," he explains. "I intend to be true to Erica in good times and in affairs, in sickness and in blow jobs I get from chicks I meet in bars. I will love her and honour her all the days that I can't think of a good alibi."

Stewart admits that his disgust with polyamory is partly because he's a hopeless romantic. "I believe in fate and soul mates and love at first sight. I'm a softie. I cry at like every wedding I go to," he says as he texts a dick pic to his ex-girlfriend Kyra. "The minute I met my wife I knew she was the one. I thought, 'This is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life cheating on.'"

Like many, Stewart believes that the key to monogamy is a firm, legal commitment. "If you love someone, you marry them. You put a ring on it, just like Beyoncé says. Jay Z did that and I think they turned out pretty well."

Although some people are polyamorous in order to avoid the pain and betrayal of infidelity, Stewart disagrees with that logic.

"Nah. If your wife or husband is sleeping around with who knows who and you have to hear about it, there's no way you aren't gonna be pissed. But, if she thinks you're at a baseball game with Greg while you're actually doing it with Chantel on the photocopier, then nobody gets hurt. Except maybe the photocopier. I'm good at sex is what I mean."

Stewart says that jealousy is also a factor in his decision that only his wife should be monogamous. "If she could bang anyone she met I would go crazy. I'd kill every guy who touched her," Stewart confesses, kissing his co-worker Chantel as she sits down beside him, "It's better that I just do it."

Stewart comes from a long line of traditional monogamists. His parents were high school sweethearts and recently celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary.

"My dad really spoils her," Stewart says as he massages Chantel's shoulders. "He buys her flowers and takes her out for fancy dinners. He also really likes his secretary Darlene. A lot."

Although Stewart's mother isn't as fond of Darlene, Stewart doesn't think she's worried. "My mom doesn't care that he's out late or travels for work or lives in a different house," Stewart explains. "Plus, she's too busy sleeping with Uncle Rob to notice."