Important motorist insists pedestrian be sacrificed
TORONTO, ON—Tensions ran high this morning between commuters at the intersection of Queen Street West and University Avenue as a northbound driver in a Kia Sorrento waited for a pedestrian to finish crossing before making a turn. Meanwhile, the driver behind the Kia aggressively honked his horn, essentially advocating for the sacrificial death of the pedestrian.
Stephen Marcotte, 34-year-old HR manager and long-time pedestrian, told a reporter on the scene that he believes he should be allowed to keep his life.
"The guy with the horn is really extreme. I know everyone's in a hurry but I'm a pretty young guy with a lot ahead of me, and I think I deserve to live. Plus I have so much going on this week," he sighed as he made his way across the street. "I have a huge internal investigation to launch with head office and one of my kids is sick. I guess it's really up to the lady in the Kia, but I would appreciate my life being spared; I mean, is that crazy to ask? Am I being difficult?"
Turning motorist Rita Khoury says she feels caught in the middle. "On one hand, I understand where the guy behind me is coming from," she explains. "I'm late for something too. But is it really worth a human life? The pedestrian looks like a nice guy. He's walking as fast as he can. It's not like he's making a meal of it. But I get it. It would be easy to just gun it and plow right through him. But then I'd be the one stuck with criminal charges and what, the guy behind me would just be on his merry way? I don't know what to do. Makes me wish I'd seen Sophie's Choice. Or Sliding Doors."
At that point, Michael Kemp, 48, honked again. "Just move, goddamnit!" he shouted. "What the hell is this person waiting for? Just run him down already, lady!"
When questioned about the value of a person's life in relation to his own schedule, Kemp was decidedly not on the fence. "It doesn't measure up," he said. "Look, there are two kinds of people in this world: people whose lives are expendable and people who need to get to Canadian Tire. You're lookin' at the second kind. MOVE, for the love of CHRIST!"
Today marked the final day of Canadian Tire's outdoor furniture sale.