How to talk to a woman wearing an enormous sandwich board that says LEAVE ME ALONE
These days, many women walk around wearing enormous neon green sandwich boards bearing the words "LEAVE ME ALONE."
Yet, that doesn't mean you can't talk to them.
Ignore all the signs – sandwich board and otherwise. You're a man! You're entitled to talk to any woman you want, whenever you feel like it, and your needs are vastly more important than whatever else she may be doing! Go out and take what's yours!
Don't be deterred by the 440-point font or the triple underline. Pay no attention to the fact that this woman has had to awkwardly wedge her entire body into an oppressively heavy cardboard shell in 30-degree summer heat in an attempt to avoid men like you. Oh! Did you think you were the only bearded guy named Sean who's approached her today with a sleazy grin and a bad Austin Powers accent two decades after the film came out? You're adorable.
What to do to get her attention:
- Stand in front of her (ignore the tears of frustration that are already rolling down her face – her eyes are probably just leaking grateful juice because she's been desperately looking for eleventeen husbands and it's all she thinks about, ever).
- Have a creepy, unsettling smile (this should be no problem given the 412% likelihood that you suffer from Resting Creep Face).
- If she hasn't already looked up at you, simply get her attention by knocking politely on her sandwich board. Knocking on the front is ideal, since she can see you coming, but why not blow past all the boundaries and surprise her by knocking on the back? You're already invading her physical and emotional space, so you may as well step on the gas, eh, Romeo?
- When she looks at you, rolls her eyes and projectile vomits for ninety business hours in your general direction, point to her sandwich board and confidently ask, "Can you take off your sandwich board for a minute?" as you pretend to be taking a sandwich board off your own body, which is hilarious since you'll never experience the near-constant level of street harassment that would ever necessitate you wearing one. Also hilarious: remember when you closed your office door this morning so you could call your wife in private, and not a single Keith barged into your office until you were done? That's right -- when you send out signals into the world that you'd like to be left alone, people respect them and take them seriously! HA HA HA HA HA HA
- It's possible she won't understand your incredible miming skills that you picked up during the summer you worked as a 36-year-old drama camp counselor. It's also possible you don't understand that women don't exist for your consumption! Call it even?
- When she stands there staring at you, refusing to take off her sandwich board, you might want to then do what we call "Acknowledging the Awkwardness" by joking that you hope this means she's planning on making you a sandwich. Women love this joke and have definitely never heard it before. You are original and clever and very special for saying it.
If it's clear that she's interested in talking to you, which she absolutely isn't, keep showing her all your Dave Matthews band concert date tattoos that you inexplicably had done in Roman numerals so she has something to cry-laugh about with her ladyfriends over drinks tomorrow night.
If you need to inhale some wine and commiserate:
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