Grandfather selfishly dying in hospital nowhere near catchable Pokémon
OAKVILLE, ON—Local Millennial and Pokémon GO player Brian Welzer was irate this past weekend when his 92-year-old grandfather suffered a totally inconvenient stroke and was rushed to Oakville-Trafalgar Memorial Hospital.
"Oakville? AKA No-Poké-ville? Way to go, Grandpa," Welzer sighed. "Where are you going to have your next stroke? Guam?"
Welzer received a phone call late Sunday afternoon from the hospital informing him that his older relative may be about to die. "Welp, guess they were wrong on that!" the 23-year-old said while checking the intensive care unit yet again in futility for any sign of a Jigglypuff.
"I begged the ambulance driver to just take him to St. Michaels instead," Welzer exclaimed. "Would it have taken an estimated 67 additional minutes in rush hour, according to Maps? Perhaps. But so what? What is he, fragile or something?"
Welzer says he's no stranger to overcoming adversity himself. He laments that for the entire first week of the game's release, Pokémon GO kept unexpectedly crashing and for a time would only allow players to sign in using Gmail.
"And did I fall on the ground? Foam at the mouth? Did I make my entire family stop their lives and trek out to the suburbs where there is literally zero chance of discovering a Hitmonchan? No I did not," Welzer says.
"If I can create a whole new email address against my wishes, you can manage to have your near-death experience within the city of Toronto," he adds.
When pressed for comment, Welzer's grandfather made a series of loud vowel sounds punctuated by occasional drooling.
"To be honest, I'm kind of waiting for him to kick it myself," said chief surgeon Dr. Henry Nupton. "I had planned to dart out to the Eaton Centre over lunch to train my Squirtle into a Blastoise. Then this happens and all of a sudden it's bye-bye weekend."
While most of the Welzer family is distraught, Brian says he can't wait for the funeral where he has a decent chance of "catching something plant-based, like an Ivysaur."