Enraged inner child declared valid carpool lane passenger
TORONTO, ON—Road rage sufferers will be in luck come November 1st as the Ontario government has passed a new law that will consider your enraged inner child a valid carpool lane passenger.
"Some motorists using the carpool lane only appear to be by themselves," said one ministry official. "But in fact there's a traumatized little human inside of them that is now a legal passenger, free to ignore all laws of general decency."
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Ontario police have undergone intense training to spot inner children and differentiate them from solo drivers who are using the carpool lane illegally.
According to the training handbook, an inner child is present in the vehicle if:
- Motorist shrieks profanities at fellow man
- Vehicle shows evidence of emotional eating or chemical dependency (i.e bite-sized Twix wrappers, seat crumbs, coffee cups, cigarette butts)
- Motorist has a "don't fuck with me" glassiness to his or her eyes
Greta Stubbs, a 37-year-old insurance adjuster who commutes to Streetsville every day, says she is delighted by the new law.
"I had a rough childhood," she explains. "We moved around a lot, and my stepfather was only kind when the Jays won. But anytime somebody cuts me off or I get stuck in traffic I will pull out a good chunk of my hair and punch my steering wheel until I get tennis elbow. Then this random Eagles song starts playing in my head and I have to hug a troll doll until it stops. The carpool lane allows my inner child to avoid this. I guess I could have carpooled with a co-worker but that would have involved basic human contact."
The ministry is also close to passing a law that will allow recent divorcees to drive 180 km per hour in school zones. The law specifies "Only the abandoned spouse. And only until the alimony kicks in or eight months, whichever comes first. Our traffic laws should respect the difference between speeding speeding and 'child-support-cheque-just-bounced' speeding. It's all in the tire screech."
This new law should speed up this man's commute:
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