Bowmanville Zoo's "Sleeping Animal Safari" uses sedation to keep visitors safe

Due to a recent string of highly publicized animal uprisings resulting in human and animal casualties alike, many have questioned the need and ethical value of these once-entertaining animal penitentiaries.

BOWMANVILLE, ON—Zoos: the reality television version of The Lion King where the performers are paid in actual peanuts. One only has to travel a short distance from the city centre to experience the scent of exotic manure, or take in the sheer boredom on the faces of some of nature's most majestic creatures.

However, due to a recent string of highly publicized animal uprisings resulting in human and animal casualties alike, many have questioned the need and ethical value of these once-entertaining animal penitentiaries. Many zoo-goers have expressed shock and disappointment at the aggressive and predatory behaviour of orangutans and lions, calling their actions "wild", or "100% innate and instinctual."

John Collins, a Bowmanville father of two, explains, "I'm terrified to let my children roam around the zoo unsupervised. It's almost as though the animals don't respect the total dominion of man over the earth."

Angela Foster, a Windsor mother of four, recently cancelled her trip to her local zoo, stating, "You'd think being behind bars would teach these animals how to behave. Where's their humanity?"

Responding to people's apparently fundamental need to gawk at wild animals from a safe distance, the city of Bowmanville has come up with a new type of animal "habitainment": the Sleeping Animal Safari. All of the animals will be repeatedly sedated 2-3 times a day and fed intravenously while unconscious. This will ensure the complete and total safety of distracted parents, drunk college kids, and complete idiots, but will not rob them of the rich entertainment of looking at animals.

When asked if keeping animals sedated 24 hours a day for the viewing pleasure of humans was in fact inhumane, the park manager shot two darts in my neck and morphed into a fuzzy blur engulfed by a sea of darkness.

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Aisha Brown

Aisha Brown is known as one of the top three Aishas in North American comedy.