Bangs under immense pressure to provide woman with entire personality
TORONTO, ON—The brand new blunt bangs belonging to local administrative assistant Jennifer Baker, 31, say they are stressed and worried sick about the enormous responsibility they now have to provide Baker with fully 100% of a personality.
Baker, widely known as the most bland and unmemorable person to ever roam the earth, says she's looking to her new bangs to somehow instantly transform her into a "quirky and charming free-thinker who's loveably awkward and effortlessly hipster."
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"We know Jennifer desperately wants to be someone who farts tiny little cartoon hearts and cradles a soy latte with both hands as she trudges through the autumn leaves to her next adorable dating misadventure in an oversized scarf," the bangs sigh. "But let's be real: she drives a Toyota Corolla, lives in Mississauga, and has been married to Richard from finance for five years. Do you see what we're dealing with here?"
Prior to her radical haircut this past weekend, Baker had worn the exact same frizzy shoulder-length hair since elementary school. After turning 30 last year, she decided to violently shake up her life.
"I thought about it for eleven months," Baker explains, giggling sweetly in a meadow of wildflowers, which is what she does now instead of experiencing genuine joy. "Ultimately, I decided to just go for it and never look back. Well, unless there's a sale on whimsical owl-patterned oven mitts behind me!"
Baker says she got the haircut done at Haircuts, a chain of salons with a location directly across the street from her brown bungalow.
"The instant she sat down in the chair and took out a copy of The Da Vinci Code, we were like, 'Oh God help us – this is gonna be a LOT of work,'" the bangs recall. "She got the bangs Sunday morning and we were fucking exhausted by Sunday afternoon."
After the haircut, Baker uploaded a photo of herself to Instagram, where she's known as @jenniferandrichardbaker, with the caption "Bangs ☺" She then headed home and raucously celebrated her new look with a slice of whole wheat bread.
However, things appear to be looking up for the bangs, who report that some of the pressure was lifted off them last night when Baker purchased a bicycle from Craigslist, painted it white, and attached flowers to the front basket.
"The decidedly bohemian bike is doing a lot of the heavy lifting, and we appreciate that so much," the bangs explain, breathing a sigh of relief. "Now if we can just get her to quit her mind-numbing job in admin and get a new gig teaching banjo songs to a roomful of rescue kittens, that would be an enormous help."
It might also help if Baker started doing adult colouring books:
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