Funny Stuff

5 first date ideas that won't break the bank or your string of miserable first dates

Bad news: all of these potential outings are certain to result in a truly terrible time for you and your companion. Sorry. We really tried!

Congratulations! You got a match on Tinder, or you hit it off with the repairperson who replaced your front door after the other one disappeared. Unfortunately, money's tight, and you've had some phenomenally bad dates recently. Good news: We've compiled five first date ideas that are easy on the pocketbook! Bad news: all of these potential outings are certain to result in a truly terrible time for you and your companion. Sorry. We really tried!

1. The outdated pants museum

This venerable institution with locations in every city worldwide houses a sizable collection of unfashionable trousers, slacks, and shorts. The museum has long been the subject of controversy, with some accusing it of sexist hiring practices, and others insisting that since it's mold-infested, structurally unsound, and often ablaze, the sexist hiring practices are kind of a moot point. Admission is free. Open on weekends only by appointment or by standing outside and yelling a bit.

2. Off-site gambling centre

We all love betting on sporting events, be they horse racing, tennis, or cockfighting. Unfortunately, racetracks, arenas and stadiums tend to have uptight views on random, drunken choking. So why not visit your local off-track betting centre where drinks are cheap, minimum bets are low, and such colorful characters as Puffy, Grease Stain, and Blood Bubble will strike you if challenged or acknowledged?

3. The leering face of an evil dog

If you and your date are both on a budget, why not skip dinner and a movie and stare intently into the smiling yet malevolent eyes of a dog who represents all that is dark and wicked in this cold, soul-shattering universe? Dogs are literally everywhere, and they're waiting for you. Waiting. For you.

4. The Castle Corbenic from Arthurian legend

If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that Arthurian legend is for sure real and its settings and characters definitely exist in the present. Fortunately, the Castle Corbenic, the home of the Holy Grail, is free of charge. Unfortunately it is also incredibly unsettling, as you will be asked to try to cure the impotence of the Grail's keeper, the wounded Fisher King, through means we cannot go into here.

5. Lawrence Gowan's house

Lawrence Gowan is a Canadian musician who enjoyed a string of hits in the 80's, including Moonlight Desires and Criminal Mind. He has a house on one of the Toronto Islands. For simply the cost of a round-trip ferry ride, just sit outside and stare at it. All will become clear. If he also happens to be standing outside his house, give him "the look." He'll know what it means.