Funny Stuff

16-year-old soldier makes ultimate sacrifice so you can never fully commit to attending that Facebook event

The result is that 100 years later, you can yell fully and freely at your Starbucks barista because your extra-hot latte isn't quite extra hot enough.

CAMBRAI, FRANCE — Thanks to DNA testing, remains found outside Cambrai several months ago have been confirmed to be that of Corporal Thomas Breton of the Royal Winnipeg Rifles. "He was a truly inspiring young man, and Canadians young and old deserve to hear his story. Mostly young," says Canadian military historian Mike Maisonneuve.

According to Maisonneuve's research, Corporal Thomas Breton lied about his age and enlisted at 15 years old. By 16 he was digging trenches in the freezing rains on The Somme. The result is that 100 years later, you can yell fully and freely at your Starbucks barista because your extra-hot latte isn't quite extra hot enough.

Cpl. Breton decided mid-war that writing to his family was not worthwhile, as his letters were heavily censored by the army. Much of his prose was lost completely. Historically speaking, it is therefore highly encouraged that you continue to share every single moment of your existence on all social media platforms as though they are of the utmost importance. He gave you that right.

In one letter, Breton wrote to his mother informing her of the deplorable conditions in the trenches, how he contracted trench foot and woke up one morning with a dead rat in his tunic. In summary, he granted you the liberty to complain one more time about how tired you are because you didn't get a second nap in today.

According to the historical evidence provided by his Regiment, Breton was injured by a sniper attack during an ambush advance at Vimy Ridge. As a result, you can defo bail on the plans you made with your best friend because you "have anxiety right now and just need to just stay home bundled up with a bottle of wine and Netflix."

On an advance at Passchendaele, Cpl. Breton's left arm was blown off by a grenade, yet he still continued the advance and laughed in the face of fear as he struggled through the swampy, bloody mess of this most brutal battle. The direct consequence of this action is full permission for you to claim you're having a heart attack in your parents' self-driving car because your iPhone's at like less than 10% juice and you forgot to charge your backup battery charger.

Cpl. Breton was then taken prisoner by the German forces and suffered inhumane abuses at the hands of the enemy. By so doing, you may now complain freely at family events because your 70 year old aunt wants to know how things are going for you at school. Why can't she just leave you alone, even??

Upon his release and in spite of his injuries, Cpl. Breton served all the way up until the last Hundred Days campaign of the Great War. In total, he served over three years in deplorable conditions, facing the brutal elements on a constant basis. As a result, you can totally just cancel that Uber driver because you see the wait is over three minutes plus there's literally eight cabs right in front of you.

Cpl. Breton had a high school sweetheart with whom he spent every day leading up to his departure to Basic Training. But he was never able to marry the woman who captured his heart back in his hometown of Winnipeg.  On that note, don't forget to ghost on that one cutie on Tinder because of the weird vibe you felt in that last message. She's probably a bitch, anyway.

Cpl. Breton never saw his family again. He was his parents' only child. Oh by the way, you still haven't responded to your mom's friend request.

Cpl. Breton was mortally wounded by a mortar shell in Cambrai. His contribution to the war effort was exemplary and his sacrifice to King and Country should be honoured, especially because the whole reason he went over to serve his country in the first place was total and massive FOMO.

Rest in peace, Cpl. Breton.