Frugal woman struggles to reuse penis paraphernalia after bachelorette party
WINNIPEG, MB—By all accounts, it was a fantastic night out.
Susan Tillerson, a thrifty 29-year-old who got married last week on New Year's Eve, had a bachelorette party the week before to celebrate her impending nuptials. The group included her closest friends and Jessica, a cousin she was forced to invite.
Like most modern bachelorette parties, this one was festooned with facsimiles of male genitalia. However, since the party, Tillerson is growing increasingly desperate to find new and creative ways to incorporate these phalluses into her post-bachelorette life.
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"My friends spent money on these… things. It would be a shame to let it all go to waste," she explains, watering her plants with a re-purposed Brew Balls strap-on beer dispenser.
"You just have to use your imagination," Tillerson says as she extracts a phallic popsicle from her freezer. "For example, this is a banana and two cherries. It's fruit salad on a stick. Right?" She lets out a small sigh. "Because the bananas and the cherries. It's fruit. Get it?"
This is a perfectly good penis-shaped cake pan. But you can only eat so much dick before it gets tiring.- Newly married 29-year-old Susan Tillerson
Tillerson has also stretched her culinary imagination by creating baked goods using the new tools at her disposal.
"This is a perfectly good penis-shaped cake pan. But you can only eat so much dick before it gets tiring. I've made alligator cakes. Lighthouse cakes. Palm trees on a desert island cakes. I'm… I'm thinking I should be able to make a Christmas tree cake. I'll just use a lot of green icing." She squints at the pan. "And a knife."
When asked his thoughts on the matter, Susan's new husband, 33-year-old math professor Gary Fleming, shrugs, "I don't mind so much. Her sense of fiscal responsibility is a big part of what I love about her. Especially in this economy."
Fleming stirs his drink thoughtfully with a long, thin penis. "These parties seem to suggest that a wife's duties have a lot to do with worshipping a penis. Pretty inaccurate, if you ask me." He takes a sip of his freshly stirred drink out of a bulbous dick cup. "But I do like all the cake."
Despite her husband's acceptance, Tillerson's determination to recycle all these penile accoutrements has led to some conflict.
"I don't know why she insisted we use those particular straws at the family barbecue," said Margaret Tillerson, Susan's 58-year-old mother. "I am aware that they are perfectly functional straws, but it is simply unacceptable that my mother was forced to sip her ginger ale through a penis. Susan has a job. She can afford new straws."
Said Bernice Mansfield, Susan's still-spry 89-year-old grandmother, "I didn't mind so much."
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