Comedy·HEALTH

Friendly doctor suddenly initiates small talk in middle of prostate exam for some godforsaken reason

According to reports, local physician Dr. Jeffrey Hitchins engaged in friendly conversation with a patient this morning in the middle of a routine prostate examination.

LONDON, ON—According to reports, local physician Dr. Jeffrey Hitchins engaged in friendly conversation with a patient this morning in the middle of a routine prostate examination, for some godforsaken reason. Hitchins is believed to have initiated the small talk in an unsuccessful attempt to mitigate the awkwardness of the procedure. In fact, sources close to the situation have confirmed that the doctor's attempt at cordiality only made the situation "about a million, billion times more awkward" for patient Graham Elliott.

Sources confirm Elliott arrived at 8:44 AM at the Huron Street Medical Centre for his scheduled appointment, whereupon the 46-year-old patient and his physician became locked in polite conversation without once verbalizing the fact that the latter would soon put his finger into the former's rectum.

"How about this weather?" asked Hitchins while nonchalantly applying lubricant to his gloved finger. Elliott would go on to reply that the weather was indeed "warmer than [he] thought it would be" before pulling down his boxer briefs in preparation for the examination.

So... planning on taking any trips this summer?- Dr. Jeffrey Hitchins

The doctor would turn the verbal exchange to other uncontroversial topics after inserting his index finger deep into his patient's anus.

"So... planning on taking any trips this summer?" he inquired while feeling for abnormalities on Elliot's prostate gland.

"Yeah, my wife and I are planning a family trip to Quebec City in July," Elliott responded as though he were talking to someone who didn't have an entire digit inside his butt.

"Oh, that's great," replied Hitchins, pausing abruptly upon feeling a possible bump. After confirming it was nothing unusual, the medical care provider picked up his thought again to add, "Quebec is lovely in the summertime."

"Sure is," Elliott agreed while wondering how much longer the doctor planned on keeping his finger up there. "Plus, it's a good opportunity to brush up on my French," he continued.

"Well, it sounds like a great time," Hitchins said before removing his finger from the rectum, pulling off the glove, and washing his hands. "You'll have to tell me how it goes when you come back for your check-up," he concluded with relief at the exam's conclusion and eager to move on with his life.

The pair would go on to exchange a few small pleasantries before Elliott's departure, belying their mutual anxiety about looking at each other in the eye. They would conclude their embarrassing interaction with a handshake, despite the fact that they both knew where that hand had just been.   

At press time, Elliott's prostate is "doing just fine".

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About the Author

Ned Petrie is a Toronto-based writer, actor, and 6-time Canadian Comedy Award nominee. He currently appears on the TV series Blind Sighted (AMI) and Gary & His Demons (Blue Ant Media). Previously, Ned was a writer for Night Sweats (Teletoon) and created the game show pilot The Panel Show for CBC Radio.