Comedy·HAIRRORISM

First hair wash after salon appointment transforms elegant woman into horrific swamp creature from hell

“Look, I stretched it out as long as I possibly could,” Whalen sighed. “But this morning, I absolutely had to wash my hair.”
(Shutterstock / ShotPrime Studio)

Something unspeakable has happened to Ruby Whalen.

More specifically, to her hair.

On Saturday morning, Whalen, 39, emerged from trendy Vancouver salon Haircules with a brand-new sleek bob. The chop was fairly dramatic, as the stylist had taken six inches off Whalen's wavy locks, added caramel highlights, and then flat-ironed her newly chin-length hair so that it elegantly framed her face. Perfectly straight with just a hint of tousled playfulness, featuring a hue that caught the light just so, Whalen's new hair was, by all accounts, absolutely astonishing in every way.

"I felt so reinvented, so reinvigorated, and so great, that I tipped the stylist 312 per cent!!" exclaimed Whalen minutes after her appointment ended. She then stepped out onto the sidewalk and felt like such a boss that she immediately purchased a leather briefcase, a Nokia flip phone, and 16-inch stilettos, which made her an alarming 7 foot 3.

"I yelled into the phone about the Dow Jones!" she shares. "I don't even know who I called."

Today, that woman is nothing but a distant, deeply painful memory.

"Look, I stretched it out as long as I possibly could," Whalen sighed. "But this morning, I absolutely had to wash my hair."

This morning at 8:44 a.m., Whalen emerged from the shower, put on clothes, and left her house looking like a horrific swamp creature who'd been relentlessly electrocuted.

"I don't know what happened," she whispers. "All I did was shampoo and condition my hair, and then I attempted to flat-iron it just like Kaycee showed me. But I don't think I quite...got it?"

Whalen emphatically did not quite get it.

The terrifying shapeless frizzfest currently living atop Whalen's head has so far caused 11 different people in her office to remark, and I quote, "Oh! You got a hairc — well, you changed something about — it's just, your hair is — it's different? No, it looks………….great. Congratulations on your…...great…...hair."

Behind closed doors, however, coworkers tell a different story.

"It looks like she took a deep-dive into a tangle of polluted seaweed and re-emerged after three to six business weeks, spent an hour in a microwave, and then got struck by lightning," says Whalen's colleague, Rose Iverson.

"Also, before today I had assumed that human hair just generally grows…..down. Not down, up, diagonally, horizontally, and somehow also up."

Whalen says she's booked another salon appointment in one month, just for a trim. Until that day, she is hiding out under four toques and a cardboard box.

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About the Author

Sophie Kohn

Writer/Producer

Sophie Kohn is writer and producer with CBC Comedy, a stand-up comedian in Toronto, and a graduate of Second City's Conservatory program.

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