First hair wash after salon appointment transforms elegant woman into horrific swamp creature from hell

“Look, I stretched it out as long as I possibly could,” Whalen sighed. “But this morning, I absolutely had to wash my hair.”
(Shutterstock / ShotPrime Studio)

Something unspeakable has happened to Ruby Whalen.

More specifically, to her hair.

On Saturday morning, Whalen, 39, emerged from trendy Vancouver salon Haircules with a brand-new sleek bob. The chop was fairly dramatic, as the stylist had taken six inches off Whalen's wavy locks, added caramel highlights, and then flat-ironed her newly chin-length hair so that it elegantly framed her face. Perfectly straight with just a hint of tousled playfulness, featuring a hue that caught the light just so, Whalen's new hair was, by all accounts, absolutely astonishing in every way.

"I felt so reinvented, so reinvigorated, and so great, that I tipped the stylist 312 per cent!!" exclaimed Whalen minutes after her appointment ended. She then stepped out onto the sidewalk and felt like such a boss that she immediately purchased a leather briefcase, a Nokia flip phone, and 16-inch stilettos, which made her an alarming 7 foot 3.

"I yelled into the phone about the Dow Jones!" she shares. "I don't even know who I called."

Today, that woman is nothing but a distant, deeply painful memory.

"Look, I stretched it out as long as I possibly could," Whalen sighed. "But this morning, I absolutely had to wash my hair."

This morning at 8:44 a.m., Whalen emerged from the shower, put on clothes, and left her house looking like a horrific swamp creature who'd been relentlessly electrocuted.

"I don't know what happened," she whispers. "All I did was shampoo and condition my hair, and then I attempted to flat-iron it just like Kaycee showed me. But I don't think I it?"

Whalen emphatically did not quite get it.

The terrifying shapeless frizzfest currently living atop Whalen's head has so far caused 11 different people in her office to remark, and I quote, "Oh! You got a hairc — well, you changed something about — it's just, your hair is — it's different? No, it looks………….great. Congratulations on your…...great…"

Behind closed doors, however, coworkers tell a different story.

"It looks like she took a deep-dive into a tangle of polluted seaweed and re-emerged after three to six business weeks, spent an hour in a microwave, and then got struck by lightning," says Whalen's colleague, Rose Iverson.

"Also, before today I had assumed that human hair just generally grows…..down. Not down, up, diagonally, horizontally, and somehow also up."

Whalen says she's booked another salon appointment in one month, just for a trim. Until that day, she is hiding out under four toques and a cardboard box.

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About the Author

Sophie Kohn


Sophie Kohn is writer and producer with CBC Comedy, a stand-up comedian in Toronto, and a graduate of Second City's Conservatory program.