Comedy·WHOOPS

Couple unknowingly celebrates Family Day after wild Valentine's Day sex

Unbeknownst to them, a Toronto couple’s Family Day weekend activities have heightened significance after their drunk, unprotected Valentine’s Day sex.

TORONTO, ON—Unbeknownst to them, a Toronto couple's Family Day weekend activities have heightened significance after their drunk, unprotected Valentine's Day sex. This will be the couple's third pregnancy scare, but their first pregnancy reality.

Vivian Kier and Davis Benjamin, who have been together for four years, arrived at their apartment on Valentine's Day after work. In the bedroom, Benjamin had set up the most extravagant display of chocolates and red tissues that a $20 Shopper's Drug Mart gift card could provide. Kier, meanwhile, supplied two handpicked bottles of discount pink wine, Slurpentine™, a product from a former contestant on The Bachelor.

The couple, currently between long-term birth control options, failed to replenish their stash of condoms, so they made their first ever attempt at the withdrawal method. This failed V-Day pull-out allowed Benjamin's troops to re-enact D-Day beyond the French-Canadian woman's shores. The next morning, the combination of sugar and alcohol (Slurpentine™ is advertised as 20% alcohol and 30% corn syrup) made each party far too hungover to grab Plan B.

Six days later the couple, still oblivious to the pregnancy, kicked off a Family Day weekend so packed with symbolism and dramatic irony that it could be taught in a university literature course.

Kier and Benjamin woke up this morning and spent four hours marathoning TLC, which alternated between episodes of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant and 19 Kids and Counting. Right after the TLC binge, Kier experienced one of her mom's telltale pregnancy cravings for the first time: vacuuming while completely sober. They will likely look back on that as a sign once the double lines appear on the pregnancy test.

In their freshly vacuumed apartment, Kier and Benjamin jokingly took selfies with their goldfish, Fish Jonas. In the photos, Kier placed the small, round fish tank over her belly and captioned the photo with a foreshadowing "Family Day Xmas Portrait??"

For dinner, they chose a dumpling restaurant in a gentrified neighbourhood recently nicknamed Babyville. In the twelve-minute walk, they passed seven babies of varying adorability, and 28 baby stores. The 28th baby store, Rock-a-Wear Baby, had a display of toddler footwear so enticing that the couple purchased two pairs of tiny Timberland boots "in case we get a dog".

At the restaurant, Mother's Dumplings, they ordered the "Dinner For Three" expecting have home leftovers to take home, but by the end of the meal they found that they had demolished every plate. Kier laughingly attributed her extra appetite to the short walk. However, once the words left her lips, the couple sat in silence going over one other possibility.

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About the Author

Lexa Graham is a Toronto comedian and writer with a Master’s degree in Engineering. She has written for Reductress, CBC Comedy, and has also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can catch her in Toronto every week hosting and producing Hard Day Comedy, a female-forward stand up show.