Comedy·JUST THE WAY HE IS

Bruno Mars is having trouble convincing the 9-1-1 operator he's not feeling amazing

9-1-1: What were you doing when you collapsed? BRUNO MARS: I was jammin’, my man! How are you by the way! Yow! Ow! 9-1-1: You sound awesome as always. Will that be all?
(Shutterstock / Darin Echelberger)

9-1-1: Hello, 9-1-1, what is your emergency?

BRUNO MARS: Hi! How are you!

9-1-1: I'm fine, thank you. Not a lot of people ask that question, thanks. What's up?

BRUNO MARS: I genuinely wanted to know!

9-1-1: Thank you. What is your emergency?

BRUNO MARS: I don't know! I felt light-headed, then I collapsed! I think I need an ambulance!

9-1-1: Really? Because you sound tremendous.

BRUNO MARS: Yes, really! Biiiiiiig time!

9-1-1: What were you doing when you collapsed?

BRUNO MARS: I was jammin', my man!

9-1-1: Ha, love that. This is Bruno Mars, right?

BRUNO MARS: … yes sir!

9-1-1: I knew it. Nobody jams like you. Sorry, continue. Under what circumstances did you collapse?

BRUNO MARS: Yow!

9-1-1: Woo!

BRUNO MARS: No my man, that was not a yelp of excitement, it was a yelp of great pain!

9-1-1: Please tell me what happened, Bruno. Can I call you Bruno?

BRUNO MARS: Yes, but you can also call me an ambulance! So I was laying down a track, you know, I started singing along, movin', I couldn't help myself! When the music asks to move me, I gotta let it move me!

9-1-1: Yeah that sounds like you. You're a killer.

BRUNO MARS: I appreciate that! Don't want this health scare to do the same, though! Gonna need an ambulance groovin' this way, quick as you can, my man!

9-1-1: Ha, groovin'. More like wobbling, with some of these old rickety old ones. Not like you, you groove!

BRUNO MARS: Again! Appreciate that! Love to please my fans! Now what you can do for me, my man, is—

9-1-1: You really do sound amazing. So vital. It's like electricity, you've got a great voice ma—

BRUNO MARS: I might sound quite well! But the fact is I am using the last of my remaining energy to say each of these things to you! The way I feel about it is you do something all-out or you don't do it at all! That's just the way I am!

9-1-1: Ha. Is that a reference to…

BRUNO MARS: Is it what!?

9-1-1: Just you have that hit song "Just The Way You Are." Was that a reference to it on purpose or…

BRUNO MARS: I don't know! I don't like to overthink my music! I just let it flow through me!

9-1-1: Ha. Absolutely. I'm honestly the same way about my needlepoint.

BRUNO MARS: I want to hear more about that! That sounds like that's a real passion of yours! That will have to come after the paramedics have treated me, though! In an ambulance sent by you, my good man!

9-1-1: Absolutely. Would love to talk about it sometime. Anyway keep doin' what you do, we all appreciate it, and again, you sound great, don't think there's anything to worry about here.

BRUNO MARS: What!

9-1-1: Not going to send anyone. Take care. Be well.

BRUNO MARS: I am not well! If you hang up I am going to get back to recording this song, but only because I can't stop the music!

9-1-1: For sure, man. You're killin' it.

BRUNO MARS: Curse my relentless energy, vivaciousness and positivity!

9-1-1 (hanging up): Just killin' it.

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About the Author

Jeremy has been a staff writer for This Hour Has 22 Minutes, performed stand-up comedy at the Just For Laughs and Winnipeg Comedy Festivals, and co-created/stars in the popular video series The Urbane Explorer/Finding Bessarion. A 3x Canadian Comedy Award–winner and published humour columnist, he also wrote your favourite joke, the one about the fish trying to get a job at a bank.