Bruno Mars is having trouble convincing the 9-1-1 operator he's not feeling amazing

9-1-1: What were you doing when you collapsed? BRUNO MARS: I was jammin’, my man! How are you by the way! Yow! Ow! 9-1-1: You sound awesome as always. Will that be all?
(Shutterstock / Darin Echelberger)

9-1-1: Hello, 9-1-1, what is your emergency?

BRUNO MARS: Hi! How are you!

9-1-1: I'm fine, thank you. Not a lot of people ask that question, thanks. What's up?

BRUNO MARS: I genuinely wanted to know!

9-1-1: Thank you. What is your emergency?

BRUNO MARS: I don't know! I felt light-headed, then I collapsed! I think I need an ambulance!

9-1-1: Really? Because you sound tremendous.

BRUNO MARS: Yes, really! Biiiiiiig time!

9-1-1: What were you doing when you collapsed?

BRUNO MARS: I was jammin', my man!

9-1-1: Ha, love that. This is Bruno Mars, right?

BRUNO MARS: … yes sir!

9-1-1: I knew it. Nobody jams like you. Sorry, continue. Under what circumstances did you collapse?


9-1-1: Woo!

BRUNO MARS: No my man, that was not a yelp of excitement, it was a yelp of great pain!

9-1-1: Please tell me what happened, Bruno. Can I call you Bruno?

BRUNO MARS: Yes, but you can also call me an ambulance! So I was laying down a track, you know, I started singing along, movin', I couldn't help myself! When the music asks to move me, I gotta let it move me!

9-1-1: Yeah that sounds like you. You're a killer.

BRUNO MARS: I appreciate that! Don't want this health scare to do the same, though! Gonna need an ambulance groovin' this way, quick as you can, my man!

9-1-1: Ha, groovin'. More like wobbling, with some of these old rickety old ones. Not like you, you groove!

BRUNO MARS: Again! Appreciate that! Love to please my fans! Now what you can do for me, my man, is—

9-1-1: You really do sound amazing. So vital. It's like electricity, you've got a great voice ma—

BRUNO MARS: I might sound quite well! But the fact is I am using the last of my remaining energy to say each of these things to you! The way I feel about it is you do something all-out or you don't do it at all! That's just the way I am!

9-1-1: Ha. Is that a reference to…

BRUNO MARS: Is it what!?

9-1-1: Just you have that hit song "Just The Way You Are." Was that a reference to it on purpose or…

BRUNO MARS: I don't know! I don't like to overthink my music! I just let it flow through me!

9-1-1: Ha. Absolutely. I'm honestly the same way about my needlepoint.

BRUNO MARS: I want to hear more about that! That sounds like that's a real passion of yours! That will have to come after the paramedics have treated me, though! In an ambulance sent by you, my good man!

9-1-1: Absolutely. Would love to talk about it sometime. Anyway keep doin' what you do, we all appreciate it, and again, you sound great, don't think there's anything to worry about here.


9-1-1: Not going to send anyone. Take care. Be well.

BRUNO MARS: I am not well! If you hang up I am going to get back to recording this song, but only because I can't stop the music!

9-1-1: For sure, man. You're killin' it.

BRUNO MARS: Curse my relentless energy, vivaciousness and positivity!

9-1-1 (hanging up): Just killin' it.

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About the Author

Jeremy has been a staff writer for This Hour Has 22 Minutes, performed stand-up comedy at the Just For Laughs and Winnipeg Comedy Festivals, and co-created/stars in the popular video series The Urbane Explorer/Finding Bessarion. A 3x Canadian Comedy Award–winner and published humour columnist, he also wrote your favourite joke, the one about the fish trying to get a job at a bank.