Brown Mississauga doctor removes mother-sized tumour from child

It was a swift and necessary treatment, and the prognosis looks very positive going forward.

MISSISSAUGA, ON—It was a swift and necessary treatment, and the prognosis looks very positive going forward.

Upon observing an ill child at a local walk-in clinic who was accompanied by a malignant tumour weighing more than 100 pounds and demanding to be treated only by a white doctor, a extremely qualified brown surgeon moved quickly, making sure the vile thoughts and dim outlook on the world would not continue to infect the young boy.

"It was quite a simple procedure," says the doctor, who declined to be named as he was just doing his job as a doctor and a human being. "All it took was information, really."

"Her demands for a white doctor to treat her son, which made absolutely no sense and showed the lack of knowledge and malicious misinformation that can be quite dangerous, particularly to a child, showed us that we had to act immediately. So I simply asked the nurse for plenty of resources regarding the evils of racism, and the shared history of humanity, and evidence of the damage caused by hatred and bigotry. She came back with a few thousands books, and we delivered them to the woman intravenously. Luckily, sense took hold almost immediately."

The tumour shrank away and was replaced by a functioning human being who understood that discriminating against people based on skin colour or language spoken is the absolute bottom of the barrel, being-a-person-wise.

"The child almost certainly doesn't realize yet just how lucky he is," added a nurse. "Untreated, this sort of tumour guiding you through life can create a vicious cycle that will turn you into a tumour as well, and make the world a lot worse for no good reason."

At press time, the tumour simply could not stop apologizing for having been such a tumour.

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Jeremy has been a staff writer for This Hour Has 22 Minutes, performed stand-up comedy at the Just For Laughs and Winnipeg Comedy Festivals, and co-created/stars in the popular video series The Urbane Explorer/Finding Bessarion. A 3x Canadian Comedy Award–winner and published humour columnist, he also wrote your favourite joke, the one about the fish trying to get a job at a bank.