Comedy·BOO JAYS

Blue Jays blame slow start on fielding, fundamentals, and also Ryan Goins angered a witch

Buddy, that’s a big blunder. You’ve got to keep your head in the game, and also your soul in your body.

TORONTO, ON—Buddy, that's a big blunder. You've got to keep your head in the game, and also your soul in your body.

With the Toronto Blue Jays sitting at a disappointing last place in the standings at 37–41, the team is looking hard for answers. Some have called attention to the team's fielding woes, while others have said the team's bunting, baserunning, and plain old mental lapses have shown that the team's fundamentals are simply not in place and sound enough.

Still others have pointed a finger at the time an old crone pointed her bony finger at Ryan Goins, after he had innocently cut in front of her in a grocery store line, and uttered curses in a Latin-sounding language at the 29-year old shortshop.

It's definitely nothing I've seen in a clubhouse before, not even back in the minor league days.- Gibby

"You know, we're doin' what we can out there, the boys are always doin' what they can," said manager John Gibbons.

"What I thought we probably gotta do is focus on keeping our heads in the game, you know that will take care of all kinds of things from being in the right position for a ground ball to not getting picked off."

"And hell, of course this one is trickier but if Go-Go can find a way to get in touch with that sorceress that'd do us a heck of a favour, you know, reverse that curse she placed on him. He told me what she said best as he could remember, and a couple of the guys tried translating it but it was no language they had ever heard, even the college guys."

Gibbons says that the team has pulled together to try to get the club going again, and he's confident that they'll get their gloves and also their souls back on track.

"Tulowitzki—and this shows you what kind of guy Tulo is, you know, he'll try to help out whenever he can—he tried saying the curse backwards, see if that would reverse it," said Gibby.

"Unfortunately that only seemed to make it worse. There was some sort of green gas that flew around, it was kind of shrieking, I don't know, it's definitely nothing I've seen in a clubhouse before, not even back in the minor league days."

"Bautista passed out but I'm sure he'll be fine, gonna take it day by day. He didn't hit the ground when he fell, kind of hovered an inch or so off the floor so that's good, because you never want to see a guy hit his head."

Reached for comment at press time, Goins said he would try to pull out of his slump by "Seuera du[χtir] Valentos do(n)a Paulli[us]."

Well, best of luck with that, little guy.

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