Comedy·BABY BLUES

Big reveal at gender reveal party is that no one wants to be there whatsoever

“Cool, can we go home now?” says the entire room in unison.
(Shutterstock / Africa Studio)

With a coy and mischievous grin, Marion stabs the enormous balloon in her living room with a safety pin. It explodes with sparkly blue confetti. And with that, a huge and profound truth is immediately revealed: the pained, irritated faces of a dozen extremely patient guests.

"Cool, can we go home now?" says the entire room in unison.

Undeterred, Marion grabs six nearby megaphones that she's painted blue, holds them to her mouth simultaneously, and shouts:

"IT'S! A! B — "

"We know," sighs party guest Lauren Nooks. "You painted the nursery blue three months ago and had a contractor renovate the room into the shape of a giant baseball glove."

"What's up with this party? It was either going to be a girl or a boy. Why are we surprised it's one of those two things?" adds Julia Pomart, another guest. "Also, I just feel like this doesn't...super...matter?"

Sunday's gender reveal party marked the 13th time in the past year Marion has assembled her female friends and asked them to shower her with expensive gifts and congratulate her on her chosen path. The friends report that they've respectfully held it together for the past 12 events, but that this latest thing is "just getting obnoxious."

According to several sources, Marion's inner circle of women has been made to help organize and attend a pre-engagement party, an engagement party, a post-engagement party, a Don't Forget That We're Still Engaged! dinner, a bridal shower, a Jack and Jill, a bachelorette party, a four-day wedding, a Going Off Birth Control party, a pregnancy announcement brunch, a baby shower, a Pay Attention To Me tea, an I Want Cash For Things luncheon, and now this.

"Why couldn't she roll the baby shower and the gender reveal thing into one event??" shrieks Pomart into a decorative outdoor pillow emblazoned with the word "RELAX." "Or JUST have a gender reveal party. Like, if you announce that it's a boy, we'll kind of take it as a given that you're having a baby. No need for a whole separate thing addressing that part of it. You know?"

"This was a really emotional day," says party planner Abby Crisp, who designed the $8,000 party. "In 10 years of doing these gender reveals, I never get over the looks on people's faces — sort of a mix of resentment, confusion, and exhaustion. It's why I do this work. It's why I do what I do."

Marion is currently hard at work planning a My Baby Has Elbows! champagne breakfast two weeks from today.

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About the Author

Sophie Kohn

Writer/Producer

Sophie Kohn is writer and producer with CBC Comedy, a stand-up comedian in Toronto, and a graduate of Second City's Conservatory program.