Comedy·ANTISOCIAL MEDIA

Anyone who didn't 'like' my REALLY sensitive post can go to hell

You’re probably assuming that a sensitive, thoughtful post like this is absolutely killing it on social media. Well, believe it or not, you would be DEAD WRONG.
(Shutterstock / EverGrump)

So, I wrote a pretty meaningful Facebook post today. Even though it was heavy, and touched on some serious stuff, I thought it was important to get it out there on social media. Here it is:

Gave up my seat on the subway for a pregnant woman today. No big deal. Guess that's just the way I am. Makes ya think :)

I know what you're thinking: wow, this guy is deep as hell (correct assumption). You're probably also assuming that a sensitive, thoughtful post like this is absolutely killing it on social media. Well, believe it or not, you would be DEAD WRONG.

As of this moment, that heartfelt, pretty brave post has a pathetic six likes. Six likes! I mean for the love of God, my cousin Terry just posted "the coffee time donuts in burlington smells like wet cigarettes lol" and THAT got nine likes!  And he only has eleven friends!

Are people really so cynical and jaded these days that they can't even be bothered to click "Like" on a post where I very clearly state how decent and kind I am? You don't even need to interpret whether or not I'm a good person, I'm outright telling you for god's sakes. And the fact that the timing of me giving up that seat happened to coincide with the train arriving at my subway stop is beside the point!

I'm so pissed off at everyone right now.  Everyone I know is an a-hole. Maybe all people are! We're a flawed species, totally selfish and incapable of congratulating others when one of us does a selfless act. Someone could have at LEAST written "This!" under my post. But no.

You know what I fantasize about? A meteor. A giant meteor. I picture it hurtling through the Kuiper Belt, deep in the outer solar system. As it passes the gas giants, the gravity of Jupiter slingshots the massive rock through the asteroid belt, past Mars, and slams it right into this idiotic, stupid excuse for a planet. We humans have had our time and we have failed. We are clearly not working out. Bring on the next dominant species and put us out of our misery. We suck.

I mean, except for the six people who did react to the post, I guess. That was nice of them. Who were they? My Aunt Carol, my weird friend Aaron, some girl I knew from grade school called Zoe I think... I forget the rest. Whatever, doesn't matter.

Point is, it's time guys like me received a little more praise when we take the time to painstakingly point out our selfless actions, and the happiness we spread in the world.  And to anyone who disagrees — you can go straight to hell!

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About the Author

James is a comedian, writer and actor from Toronto. He’s written for This Hour Has 22 Minutes (CBC), This is That (CBC), Because News (CBC) and The National Post. James has appeared on shows like Spun Out (CTV), That’s So Weird (YTV), Funny As Hell (HBO Canada), Cupcake and Dinosaur (Netflix) and Kody Kapow (Sprout). He’s had comedy shorts featured on Tosh.0 (Comedy Central), and he’s performed at Just For Laughs, Sled Island (Calgary) and San Francisco Sketchfest.

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