Al-Qaeda "super pumped" to not be on Trump's ban list
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Celebrations broke out this past week as members of Islamic militant extremist group al-Qaeda expressed their joy over not being banned from entering the United States under President Trump's new Muslim ban.
"Not that I was planning on going anytime soon, but it's nice to know I have the option!" said local al-Qaeda member Rick, who chose to speak under an alias. Hours after President Trump signed an executive order banning the citizens of seven countries from entering the United States, Rick and his fellow al-Qaeda members rejoiced in the fact that they would still be allowed in.
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Senior al-Qaeda member Nassir who chose to speak to us by email shared, "Since we're not banned, it makes me think of what kind of stuff we should be doing over the next three to five years. This really has put a fire in our bellies, and I've booked the biggest conference cave we have, so that my team and I can get together and brainstorm on a daily basis."
When asked why Afghanistan was not on the list, Nassir said, "I don't think Trump knows more than seven countries in the Middle East or Asia."
Rick agreed, predicting that Vice President Mike Pence and Chief White House Strategist Steve Bannon deliberately picked countries where Trump didn't have any business or assets.
"You can't be too careful about your real estate investments – I kinda get where Trump is coming from on that end. I mean, I just put all my money in a training camp here in Afghanistan and I would hate to make any decisions that would jeopardize its profitability."
Rick says he has always wanted to see the Grand Canyon and visit the casinos in Vegas. When questioned about whether gambling was allowed in Islam, Rick dismissed the issue, noting that the group's religious affiliation is simply for show.
I don't think Trump knows more than seven countries in the Middle East or Asia.- Senior al-Qaeda member Nassir, via email
"Listen, I'm not proud about it, but it's just a marketing ploy to get the young kids in and further grow our base."
Rick and Nassir both mentioned that the senior executives at al-Qaeda were considering thanking Steve Bannon for keeping them off the list and helping them with recruitment.
"Steve's been really helpful in driving traffic to our website and making it easier for us to brainwash young kids," Rick explained. He then went on to thank Hollywood for their portrayal of Muslims over the past 50 years, with the notable exception of Meryl Streep.
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