JUST STOP IT

Air Canada to institute mandatory prison sentences for passengers who clap after landing

It is now illegal to applaud after a plane has landed at its destination.

OTTAWA, ON—Last week, with the help of lobbyists from Air Canada, a new bill left the Senate and was given Royal Assent, passing it into law. It is now illegal to applaud after a plane has landed at its destination.

The law, now dubbed the Just Stop It Act, guarantees a minimum of seven years in jail and up to a $175,000 fine. "We think it's more than fair," says Air Canada CEO George Lavigne. "If you can't do the time, then don't do the crime." In this instance, the crime is banging your palms together after touchdown.

In an unusual addendum, the law does not exclude minors. Those under 18 who clap of their own volition, or on a parent's behalf, will be tried as adults and sent to a federal prison. This law does not apply to children two years of age or under as they cannot help themselves and may have just made a poopy.

The Just Stop It Act has garnered overwhelmingly positive reviews since its exit from the House of Commons. Veteran Air Canada pilot Daniel Parin is excited about the new changes. "I'm not a dying Tinkerbell. I'm a professional pilot. Please do not be surprised when I land the plane. I don't clap every time you take a dump mid-flight.  Act like you've been there before, for god's sake."  

The new law has set a precedent in Ottawa and now similar bills are coming out of the woodwork, including one that prohibits applause during credits in movie theatres. "It's about time," says part-time ticket taker Kris Ming. "The director can't hear you. No one gives a shit if you liked The Fate of the Furious. We already got your $48."

The first perpetrator of the Just Stop It Act was apprehended mere hours after the bill was passed. Dina Hergot was arrested for indecent approval after her flight landed in Winnipeg, Manitoba this morning. Although she claims she was "just cleaning her hands of pretzel dust" it is clear from a passenger cellphone video there was excessive "woo-ing" in an attempt to incite applause. She is scheduled for release in 2028.

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