Against all odds, George W. Bush lovingly remembered as outstanding Republican president
MOUNT PLEASANT, MI—Over drinks last night at The Crow Bar & Grill, Democrat Regina Darrow and Republican Joshua Brice unexpectedly found common ground, agreeing that former U.S. president George W. Bush, when compared to the current president, is a shining example of true American values.
They also agreed that, in retrospect, his shit-eating smirk – the one that constantly revealed oddly tiny, baby-like teeth – was almost pleasant to look at.
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Initially, Darrow and Brice argued over whether Bush's biggest failing was international or domestic. Brice said it was the Iraq War, entered into on false premises and claiming hundreds of thousands of lives. Darrow insisted it was Bush's appalling negligence during Hurricane Katrina.
"A couple of weeks later, he took responsibility for that," Brice said. "During a press conference, he actually said the words, 'I take responsibility.'"
"Wow," Darrow replied, without a hint of sarcasm. "He held press conferences. And remember 9/11?"
Bush was heavily criticized for his failure to act in the first critical moments of the infamous terrorist attack. After hearing the news, he continued to read The Pet Goat to a group of second graders.
"At least he could read!" Brice said. The two then marvelled at how Bush actually stayed with the task for several minutes, not once tweeting about the huge number of children gathered around him, or how much smarter he was than the goat.
At least he could read.- Republican Joshua Brice
The closest the new friends came to conflict was when Darrow mentioned the 2000 election, when the Supreme Court stopped a Florida recount that, if all votes were counted, would have awarded the presidency to Al Gore. Brice eventually conceded that Bush's first term was stolen, but labeled it "a fun, frat boy prank" from "a good-hearted guy with a goofy smile."
"At least Russia had nothing to do with it. Just Jeb, and a bunch of Republicans," Darrow sighed. "American citizens whose corruption was out in plain sight, not criminal foreign oligarchs casting a shadow over the future of our country as a democracy."
"And you know, Bush never once sexually objectified his daughters," Brice said, adding to the list of things the two agreed were outstanding character traits in a Republican president. "I mean, come on. They're twins, even!"
"His vice president had a lesbian daughter," Darrow noted. "Despite Bush's complete failure to advocate for or protect the LGBT community, that in itself was almost progressive."
"To the good old days!" the two toasted. Moments later, an unidentified man in a red baseball cap began shouting "Moslem get out!" at a bewildered Greek-American woman who was quietly eating a bacon cheeseburger.
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