Actual lone wolves issue rare joint statement: "Stop comparing us to white terrorists"
ALGONQUIN PROVINCIAL PARK, ON—Two North American grey wolves held a press conference today to discuss the media's incessant use of the phrase "lone wolf" when describing white perpetrators of mass shooting.
"It's difficult for us to be here together but this is important," Wolf A began, immediately lunging at Wolf B's throat, pinning him to the ground.
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Avoiding eye contact, Wolf B continued, "Being forced to live away from my pack is, like, hard enough. I really don't need bad publicity on top of it. Also, saying we're the same as terrorists is just bad facts."
"It's inaccurate," Wolf A added. "We can't say definitively that young, white men are more likely than others to carry out mass murder, but multiple studies, as well as reality, have shown that white men do commit mass shootings at a disproportionate rate relative to the rest of the population."
Wolf A paused briefly to lick his balls. "Frankly, it's insulting to wolves to keep calling these shooters —who are obviously part of a larger human problem — 'lone wolves'".
"Furthermore, unlike lone wolves, these shooters are deeply ingrained in your society. They're absorbing the messages in your media, participating in online forums, and forming communities."
We're animals, but we're not monsters.- Lone wolf
"Must be nice," Wolf B said quietly. "I'm so lonely."
"This is obviously a massive, widespread crisis of masculinity and racism. We realize wolves have superior vision, but seriously, you guys can't see that?"
"Sure, we prey on the weak and feeble, but the way we kill is useful!" Wolf A said as he bared his teeth. "The herd that remains is stronger and healthier. Your so-called lone wolves slaughter innocent people for no reason. We're animals, but we're not monsters."
"There is literally a gun store in Pennsylvania called Lone Wolf!" Wolf A barked. "That's messed up."
"Oh hey, and like, if I could say one more thing?" Wolf B asked. "The Wolf of Wall Street is also pretty offensive. We're nothing like that."
Wolf A then bit Wolf B on the shoulder, and both wolves urinated on the microphone before sprinting into the woods in opposite directions.
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