Comedy·FAKES AND PAINS

5 fraudulent remedies for imposter syndrome

None of these remedies will work, because they are just as fake and fraudulent as your career. But they sure are posing as legitimate solutions! So go ahead and try ‘em, how about!
(Shutterstock / Marcos Mesa Sam Wordley)

Ah, the unshakeable feeling that you're a huge fraud, completely unqualified, and that any second, someone will discover that while your business card might say "CEO of All Of Yale", you're in fact just a stack of 132 inadequacies in a trench coat.

None of these remedies will work, because they are just as fake and fraudulent as your career. But they sure are posing as legitimate solutions! So go ahead and try 'em, how about!

1. Wear a flowing cloak in the office at all times

One thing's for sure: only winners wear cloaks. Gone are the days of walking to a meeting: now you only sashay.

2. Overuse a single French sentence at work

Pick a good one, such as C'est dommage or Après moi, le déluge and commit to it with the depths of your very being. Command respect by dropping this hot little number every 10–12 business minutes. Accompany it with a slow-motion shrug each time as your eyes gaze into a faraway horizon, leaving people to assume you're daydreaming of your villa in Tuscany. In reality, you're worrying about the leak in your basement bachelor apartment but no one has to know that.

3. Change all your "I"s to "We"s

Nothing communicates stone-cold confidence like slowly rising from your chair during a meeting and loudly stating, "We have to use the bathroom, excuse us." Never use "I" ever again. From here on out, you tell the person you're dating "We love you" and you tell your mother "We'll call you back later."

4. Inexplicably and constantly turn nouns into verbs until everyone silently wants to punch you in the neck

My greatest hope for you is that you proceed through life with the confidence of the person who first said "Inbox me the details." Why not take this to the next level? Here are some suggestions to get you started:

I'll calendar you next week

I'd like to meeting room everyone tomorrow at 2

Are we getting paychequed today or what?

5. Hire an alarmingly chiseled spokesperson to accompany you everywhere

Hire a sharp, besuited go-getter named Clant to walk three paces behind you at all times with a phone wedged in his neck and a clipboard in his hands. Inform everyone they'll have to go through Clant, even when — especially when — you're standing right there. Hope you can afford Clant! Those guys aren't cheap.

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About the Author

Sophie Kohn

Writer/Producer

Sophie Kohn is writer and producer with CBC Comedy, a stand-up comedian in Toronto, and a graduate of Second City's Conservatory program.

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