Comedy·WOKE AF

10 woke ways to talk dirty

We asked our readers to vote on the best modern phrases to spice things up in the bedroom while also maintaining a safe space for all involved.

In today's sensitive political climate, it's difficult to know what to say without offending someone. This is especially true in the bedroom, where traditional dirty talk is now considered archaic and un-woke. We asked our readers to vote on the best modern phrases to spice things up in the bedroom while also maintaining a safe space for all involved.

Here are the top ten woke dirty-talk phrases for you to try at home!

1.     "I love it when you wear that little black dress just as much as I like it when you wear dresses of any colour because I would never fetishize exclusivity, and for that matter, I also love it when you wear pants or shorts or even capris, baby."

2.     "Hey baby, who's your daddy? Or mommy, or gender-neutral parent, but also, shout-out to all the kids who were raised by non-traditional caretakers, siblings, foster parents, and those who did and continue to parents themselves, because that's hard work."

3.     "It really turns me on when you explicitly ask for my consent all night long, baby."

4.     "I love it when you do that thing where you listen to my problems and reaffirm my statements without offering solutions, because knowing that you don't belittle my ability to solve my own problems makes me so horny, baby."

5.     "I can't stop thinking about your sweet lips, but not in a compulsive way, because I would never put the idea of you on a pedestal and I know how much you value that we maintain healthy and consistent emotional boundaries, baby."

6.     "I'm going to do terrible things to you, except for anything that would make you feel subjugated, oppressed, or victimized because some forms of role-play and fantasy can be healthy in a relationship but sexual gratification doesn't need to come at the expense of your emotional dignity, baby."

7.     "You look so hot today, but your thoughts are also hot, and your values are hot, and your opinions are hot, and even when I respectfully disagree with them it doesn't take away from their hotness, baby."

8.     "I want you so badly, but I won't rush intimacy because we've only been seeing each other for a few months and while time is a human construct, trust is not something that can be given, it can only be earned, baby."

9.     "You're going to get lucky tonight, not to imply that sex with me is based on luck, or that it's a reward, I mean to say that it'll happen as a result of mutual desire and respect and if that happens to be tonight, then that's lucky for us, baby."

10.  "Hey baby, I call you baby to demonstrate that I value you but I would never infantilize you because I know that you are a strong, capable, adult person and I would be just as turned-on if you were super old or super young, unless you were under 18, then you'd be invisible to me sexually, baby."

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About the Author

Cassie Cao is a writer and standup comedian based in Toronto. She is the creator and writer of the original webseries “Breakup Theft”, which can be found on youtube. One time, Cassie ate an entire lemon meringue pie by herself on a public bus and still lives to tell the story at parties.