Thursday, January 10, 2013 | Categories: Main Blog |
Hello, and shut up all of you.
As anyone who knows me could have easily guessed by putting a small cosmetics mirror under my nose to see if my breath fogs it up, I'm not dead.
Normally I would ignore what is being said about me by the great unwashed rabble. And normally I wouldn't be wasting my time telling you that, or, far worse, writing you that for no money. Nevertheless I stepped up heroically. Because on this, I am not going to stay silent.
As painful as it is for me to write this for free, I am undertaking to pen this essay, in full pro bono mode, because of an urgent unmet need. That need, of course, is to tamp down all the silly chatter in Twitter and Facebook about me being dead, or swapped with a doppleganger. So allow me to address that head on: I am, as I already told you, alive. Totally alive. Heart beating, blood pumping, eyeballs keenly focused, and overall, tingling with sensations, ongoing the five basic metabolic functions simultaneously. Never been more alive. Feel great. I am perky. Full of zest. Just this weekend, I was riding jet motorcycles up volcanoes and eating heart of palm salad in South Beach. Living the vida loca. Alive.
As for the notion that I was replaced: Please allow me to break some news to you: if anyone is going to be replaced around here, it's the human lump of clay known as Jonathan Goldstein. I run over hobos in the parking lot that could do a better job of hosting a radio show. I recently got a high end cutting board from Bed Bath and Beyond that could do a better job of what he does.
On the other hand: No one can do what I do. As has been noted in the previous press on this topic, this all started because of a stuffy nose and various people who can't seem to grasp that. My voice sounded different, my overall tenor more subdued. I find keeping Goldstein in line exhausting, and when I get tired, I tend to fall down on the job, because I have to focus on health over the endless task of Goldstein Career Improvement. Some pundits said I had lost my edge or wasn't as caustic or sarcastic. You want to know why they said that? Because they are super stupid. I was just tired and a little under the weather. But now I'm back to ultra-marathon shape, full of four hour energy drink and ginko I am hear to YELL IN YOUR EAR until you believe me, I'm better than ever.
And so you see, there is no "Fake Gregor". Never was. We hope this will put the controversy to rest once and for all.