WireTap
with Jonathan Goldstein

Dear Asuka:
Gregor is a name, like Gregory or Gregg or Craig or Gregsies. They are all names. I'm not sure about Asuka, but if you want to go by Asuk or Asu, or whatever, then go for it. As for the pizza knife thing, I have never read my Wikipedia entry, but that did happen, and I believe somewhere there are even pictures of it.

Dear Jasmin:
I think you are taking the wrong tack here. Most people want to look 17. Maybe not at 27, but definitely at 37, 47 and 57 and so forth. So if I were you, I'd tell people I was 75, and that way they can be like "Oh, no way, you look like you are 17!! What secret thing do you do to look so young?" And then you can take a tube of ordinary handcream that you bought at the supermarket and sell it to them for like a hundred bucks and explain that it is your secret formula.

Dear Greg:
Worrying a lot is a sign of manhood. And I mean that as a euphemism for penis. So I would worry as much as possible, because if you are like Jonny, you need all the help you can get in that department.

Dear Sam:
Every morning, first thing when you wake up, capture your urine in a clean glass and drink it. DO THIS EVERY DAY. You are allowed to stop when you quit smoking. That way, the quitting of the smoking will be the least of your problems, because you will be distracted by drinking your pee. You're welcome.

Dear Ariel;
I love dinner. Especially free dinner. If you aren't going to marry this girl, and I am going to just guess you aren't, then enjoy the free stuff, the dinners that you don't pay for, and then, when it suits you, disappear into oblivion without a second thought. I know it sounds harsh, but soon enough the sun will use up it's available hydrogen, so really, what's the difference. But send thank you notes. Those are always polite.

Dear Ashley:
Who could not use panache? Holiday or otherwise? Here's what I would do for zazz: glue some sparkles on yourself and wear a pinwheel hat.

Dear Melinda:
I invented a catchphrase I like to deploy to my friends who are considering having kids, and that catchphrase is thus: children do not exist for our convenience. To be honest, I really don't know what it means, and it's pretty ambiguous as catchphrases go, but it's the kind of thing that people quote back to me later, telling me that it changed their lives, and then they thank me profusely. So I hope it changes yours, because from what I can make out, the one you seem to have currently, sounds pretty bad.

Dear Fred:
There is much that goes on south of the Mason Dixon Line that is
bewildering and frightening, so my first thought would be that if you
like the CBC, you probably don't belong in Alabama. What's not clear
in your question is how your family even knows your listening habits
to begin with. Do they not have headphones in Alabama? If yes, perhaps
you should invest in some and wear them, such that no one can hear
what you listen to. Follow up: if they don't have headphones in
Alabama, if you live in a house with several rooms that have doors,
perhaps you should go in a room that does not contain other family
members, close the door, and listen in shame and secret.