Jenn Lamothe is a freelance writer living in Sudbury.

The essence of who I am overrules any first aid that might be required.

I believe that sometimes it’s better to give up the fight.

Through most of my struggle with epilepsy, I followed the philosophy of Dylan Thomas and decided to “rage, rage against the dying of the light”. I fought my doctors, my family, anyone who told me that there was nothing left to be done, that I would be a slave to the seizures for the rest of my life. I would not believe it, hearing over and over the stories of those who had found a cure after years of illness. Their doctors were wrong. They kept fighting and saw victory in the end. I decided that I too would fight until my dying breath.

I fought with everything I had, and I never won.

The seizures always overwhelmed me, and always left me hopeless. Every time I suffered a seizure, I felt like a failure. I told myself, “I’m not fighting hard enough, I‘m not strong enough”. With nothing to do but sit and wait for the seizures to come, I would punish myself, thinking of only the wrong in my life. Getting up in the morning became more difficult than anything I could imagine. I could never find a reason to rise.

It was a stormy winter day when it hit me. I sat on my worn out spot on the couch and the answer came to me as if I had known it all along. I am not only losing the battle, I am wasting my life. All the times I spent fighting, or what I thought was fighting, I was actually hiding myself away. It was like I went to sleep for four years hoping that when I woke up it would all be over. But it never was. And I was tired of sleeping.

What happens if I stop fighting? What happens if I accept the seizures, accept the limitations, and work within them? The answers came so easily I knew it they were right.

I remembered that I am a woman, not just an epileptic. I forgot Dylan Thomas’ battle cry and replaced it with Lennon and McCartney’S refrain: “for tomorrow may rain, so I’ll follow the sun”. I began to do what I could now, because later was so uncertain. I tried new things, as the opportunity may never come again. Even if it did, I may not be up for it. Not only did I get back on my feet, I began to treasure every moment . Every time I laughed it was louder. When I listened it was with a new focus, and I regained the sparkle in my eye.

I began leaving the house, wanting to go all the places I had feared before. I saw that I was not an inconvenience, but I was truly loved by those who surrounded me. The essence of who I am overrules any first aid that might be required.

I will never again let go of my hopes or my dreams. I believe that my greatest freedoms come from knowing and respecting my boundaries. Giving up the fight has given me back my life.

For This I Believe, I’m Jenn Lamothe in Sudbury.