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Man, I Hate Nazis
January 27, 2011
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Today we (Jew and Gentile alike) observe a tragic anniversary. On January 27th 1945, as WW2 was wrapping up, advancing Soviet troops liberated the remaining survivors of the notorious Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration camp in Nazi-occupied Poland. In 2005 the United Nations designated January 27th as International Holocaust Remembrance Day.

But you know what?

This year, in the spirit of fellowship, we're not going to observe this day with tears. Instead, we're gonna slap another clip into the magazine, load up on grenades, sharpen our buck-knives, and celebrate the spirit of the Jews who fought back.

Today we're all about movies with big scoops of Jewish revenge. We've compiled a shortlist of flicks in which our Hebrew brothers and sisters gave a little hellfire back, and then some.

In fact, when I took this idea to Randy (one of my writers of the Jewish persuasion), he said, "Oh yeah! Strombo! Suck my brisket, Nazi bitches!"

So here we go. (BTW, some of the clips are EXTREMELY GRAPHIC. So...you're warned.)

1976 - Marathon Man

EVIL ANTAGONIST OBJECTIVE:
Nazi war criminal Dr. Christian Szell is trying to burrow himself into 1970's American society, and sell diamonds stolen from Jews during the Holocaust. When Thomas "Babe" Levy gets in his way, Szell tortures and almost kills him to achieve his objective.

RIGHTEOUS RESULT:
Babe forces Szell to swallow some of his own diamonds, then throws the rest in the water, before having the satisfaction of watching Szell die trying to save them. Suck it Szell.

1978 - The Boys From Brazil

EVIL ANTAGONIST OBJECTIVE:
Having escaped the Allies after the war, the notorious Dr. Josef Mengele been hiding in South America for decades. His nefarious plan? Clone dozens of Hitler's from the Fuehrer's own DNA in hopes of recreating a Third Reich and finishing the Nazi's evil quest for world domination. The only thing that stands in his way? Aged Nazi-hunter Ezra Lieberman.

RIGHTEOUS RESULT:
Irony of ironies! When both men arrive at the home of one of the adolescent Hitler clones, the youth decides that Mengele and not Lieberman should be savagely torn apart by bloodthirsty Dobermans.

1982 - Raiders of the Lost Ark

EVIL ANTAGONIST OBJECTIVE:
Not content to merely rule the world on the temporal realm, Hitler sends his minions to find the Ark of the Covenant (which was believed to have contained God's Ten Commandments) so that he might be the master of the supernatural realm as well. Adolf thought that an army that possessed the power of the Ark would be invincible. Well... he might have given at least two seconds thought as to who the Ark was for. Namely, the same people he made a point of wiping off the Earth. D'uh!

RIGHTEOUS RESULT:
A whole lotta Nazis (and one French collaborator) meet an awesome face-melting death. Good thing our Gentile heroes had the sense to keep their eyes shut.

1987 - Escape from Sobibor

EVIL ANTAGONIST OBJECTIVE:
For the Jews in the camp to die. It's a concentration camp. It's hell.

RIGHTEOUS RESULT:
Jews bust out, guns blazing. Not everybody makes it, and while many are later recaptured, the courage and heroism of the breakout cannot be overstated.

2001 - Uprising

EVIL ANTAGONIST OBJECTIVE:
To intimidate, batter and bruise the Jews of the Warsaw ghetto before rounding them up and shipping them off to the concentration camps in the rest of Nazi-occupied Europe for certain death.

RIGHTEOUS RESULT:
Polish Jews thought, "Well, ok sure. We COULD do that. Or we could get our hands on some weapons and take as many of you m*****f****n' bastards with us as we can."

In the end, the good guys did not win this battle, but they made a hell of a presence of themselves and went down swinging, big time. Not only that, but this movie actually left with me a somewhat favorable opinion of David Schwimmer. That's no mean feat.

2007 - Eichmann

EVIL ANTAGONIST OBJECTIVE:
During the war, Adolf Eichmann distinguished himself through a few of his attributes: his uncanny ability to organize, his flair for numbers, and his venomous anti-Semitism. So it should come as no big surprise that he was one of (if not THE) chief architect of the Holocaust, and its terrifyingly efficient mathematical algorithms.

RIGHTEOUS RESULT:
After moving around the world under false aliases for decade and a half, Mossad finally grabbed him in 1960 and took him to Israel for trial. In 1962 he was hung.

2008 - Defiance

EVIL ANTAGONIST OBJECTIVE:
Having knocked France out of the war, and then trying (but failing) to take out Britain as well, Hitler had turned his armies eastward to face his chief foe, the Soviet Union. Jews were especially marked as targets to be taken out with extreme prejudice. So it is in this story, in occupied Belarus.

RIGHTEOUS RESULT:
Two Polish-Jewish brothers (Daniel Craig and Liev Schreiber) who are survivors of Nazi-Germany's invasion of their country two years before, go guerilla and recruit a Jewish paramilitary force to smoke as many Nazis as they can in the forests of Belarus.

(I do know that some elements of historical accuracy about the brothers in this film have been debated. I'm just singling it out for Nazi-killing distinction.)

2009 - Inglourious Basterds

EVIL ANTAGONIST OBJECTIVE:
To win WW2, and eliminate all Jews.

RIGHTEOUS RESULT:
Led by a badass Gentile, (and joined by a German renegade who hates the Nazis as much as they do) an elite squad of Jewish American soldiers takes out every Nazi they see, with the ultimate goal of taking out Adolph himself.

And oh do they ever succeed (in this movie).

HONOURABLE BONUS MENTION!!!!!

Who can forget this gem. (Jake and Elwood may have been Catholic, but they're honourary Jews for this.)

"Man, I hate Illinois Nazis!" Best line ever.

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