After our last chat with Dale Curd about 'The Mind of Your Man,' tonnes of questions about men and what they're really thinking and feeling came flooding in from women all across Canada. Apparently, women have many questions about men that they can't get answers to or have been too afraid to ask. Dale Curd returned to answer some of those burning inquiries and open up communication between the sexes.
Q: Is it true that every time a man meets a woman, the first thing he thinks about is whether they'd be good in bed together?
A: Men are visual, so yes, that may be true. There's a saying that men fall in love with women they are attracted to, and women eventually are more attracted to the men they fall in love with. Men even fantasize about sex with women they never meet! Within first hour, he has imagined what it would be like to be with a woman he is attracted to -- but it's purely from a fantasy point of view. It's doesn't mean it's going to pull him out of a committed relationship.
Q: Why is it so hard to get men to go to the doctor?
A: Some men are uncomfortable being naked in front of doctors. There's also the consideration of the level of comfort being touched and the vulnerability in front of strangers.
In terms of health, men are more reactive than pro-active. If it surpasses a tolerable level of pain, THEN they'll do something about it. Most men haven't had a physical in 5 years.
Q: Should women push them to go?
A: If a woman is concerned about her partner's health, she can. Let him know that she's concerned, but don't push because he'll resist. Most men will come around.
Q: When I ask my man something, why doesn't it seem to count until I yell?
A: A relationship pattern must have developed that he understands that something is important to her when she yells. That's just their relationship pattern - they need to work out a way to communicate better.
Q: Why is it that men can't admit when they have made a mistake?
A: Same rationale as visiting the doctor. They don't want to admit vulnerability. Mistakes are often positioned as vulnerability. But the men that advance themselves in life realize there are no mistakes, only learning.
Q: Why do men find it so hard to commit to a woman?
A: This largely a cliche but men have earned this reputation about being commitment phobic. In reality, men don't always have the vision about where they want their life to go, in terms of a relationship - women are just conditioned more to think about the future.
Q: Why do men play games with women when they like them and are interested in them?
A: They do it to test to see how much the woman really likes him! It's a kind of irresponsible behavior. Unless a woman says "I really like you a lot so grow up or I'm done" -- unless they take a stand -- they are enabling the irresponsible behaviour.
Q: Why do men think that they are smarter than women?
A: Men are by nature, competitive. Some men might believe that because they've been raised by other men who have taught them that. It’s all about conditioning, and typically, men are conditioned to think they’re smarter and stronger, but this is changing now.
Q: Why are men so competitive with women?
A: Because men are wired to be achievement focused. Competition is part of intimacy for some men. They want a partner they can compete with and be an equal to. Any man who is threatened by women is really threatened by his own abilities and uncertainty in himself.
Q: Why do men get so distant sometimes and go into their little cave, and how are we supposed to deal with that? Leave them alone?
A: Men have a reputation for being distant. Men are intelligent creatures and know if they say the wrong thing they'll get in trouble. So, they pull away until they can get clear about what's going on with them. An irresponsible man will avoid it, the responsible man will come back to it and talk about it. But if a man says he needs time with his thoughts, a woman should give him that space and wait until he’s ready to talk about it.
Q: Why do men think it's so important to date younger women? Why makes them feel so good?
A: Sometimes they are trying to capture something that they feel they've lost. Or maybe they don't want to be confronted by someone they consider to be an equal and have to relinquish.
The Bottom Line:
It's important for men and women to keep talking to each other and asking questions about each other's behaviors. Asking each other questions is a beautiful part of a relationship. Be curious and inquisitive about who each of you are.
Dale Curd is a therapist who specializes in men’s counselling and men's issues.