Satire: The ball bites back
The following e-mail was sent late last week from CBC audience relations to Brandon Hicks, an editor for CBCSports.ca's 2010 FIFA World Cup website:
Hey Brandon, just wanted to bring to your attention some odd posts we've been seeing on some World Cup stories on the website. We're fairly certain they're all coming from one user. Please keep an eye out if you can. Thanks, AR.
Story: Brazil keeper criticizes World Cup ball
- Excerpt: "It's terrible, horrible," said the Inter Milan player, widely considered to be the world's top goalkeeper. "It's like one of those balls you buy in the supermarket."
- Mr. Jabulani wrote: Julio, would a supermarket ball be designed by scientists, with a futuristic texture for maximum control and consisting of a mere eight panels that are heat-sealed to form a PERFECT CIRCLE? Yeah, yeah, if you tossed me into a supermarket bin with bargain soccer balls, they'd all deflate. Out of respect. And they would be right.
Story: Buffon joins criticism of World Cup ball
- Excerpt: "Usually you get used to it, but in this case every touch comes with the unknown. The trajectory is really unpredictable," said the Italian goalkeeper.
- Soccerball2010 wrote: Yeah right Buffon! I'd take more note of your issues with me if, you know, you haven't complained about nearly EVERY BALL ever made. One of the few times you didn't complain? 2006. Remember that? You won. Coincidence? We have feelings too. And we know where the net is.
Story: Players not happy with World Cup ball
- Excerpt: "It's very weird," Brazil striker Luis Fabiano said. "All of a sudden it changes trajectory on you. It's like it doesn't want to be kicked. I think it's supernatural.
- Teamgeist_is_a_loser wrote: Well Luis, sometimes I don't WANT to be kicked. Do you have any idea HOW MUCH IT HURTS when you slam me against a post or one of those things that you humans call 'advertisements?' Oh, and btw: I resent being called "weird." Yes, I do have my eccentricities, like bending in the exact opposite direction of my spin, but that doesn't make me weird.
Story: Few celebrating official World Cup ball
- Excerpt: Denmark's Daniel Agger said it made some outfielders look like "drunken sailors" and teammate Jesper Gronkjaer told the Danish website sporten.dk, "It really is a lousy football."
- Hooray for Jabulani wrote: I can't believe that you, Denmark, is ganging up on me after all I've-you know what? I don't even care about this one. You're not making it out of the group stages. And I will see to that. Good luck trying to complete a pass! >:D
Story: Hahnemann thinks World Cup ball is bad invention
- Excerpt: "Technology is not everything," American goalkeeper Marcus Hahnemann said Thursday. "Scientists came up with the atom bomb, doesn't mean we should have invented it."
- Jabulani-number-1 wrote: ...did he just compare me to one of the most destructive creations known to man? Oh, he did. Good. Yeah, that's a fair comparison. I also kill thousands of people when I'm dropped from a plane and explode, if by "killing" you mean, "not doing any damage whatsoever" and by "exploding" you mean "bounce really high when I land." GRRRRRRRR.
Story: Players not happy with World Cup soccer ball
- Excerpt: "It is a bit like a beachball. It is not only the goalkeepers complaining about it, the outfield players are doing the same. It is sad that a competition as important as the World Cup has an element as vital as the ball with such abysmal characteristics," Spanish keeper Iker Casillas said.
- I_heart_JABULANI wrote: DON'T YOU KNOW HOW AERODYNAMIC I AM!??!!? I am made out of EIGHT PANELS. I am HEAT-SEALED!!! When you kick me, you are kicking PURE SCIENCE tempered by the GODS!! ARRRGH!!